I Feel Good June 9, 2009

As I started my exercise -routine more than three months ago, I’m not sure I believed that I could actually achieve what I have achieved in the past months. With the help of my personal trainer I have found a newly-discovered passion for sports and a motivation to care for myself. I’ve always tried this before, but the only thing I’ve managed to do so far is to work out once in a while and pay attention to my eating. This time around, however, I have fully engaged myself in a 5-6 times a week routine of jogging, indoor cycling, badminton and working out at the gym. As I have bought myself adequate gear and not slacked off at all, the exercise has definitely payed off. And what a change it has been for me! I feel better about myself, I like the way I look now, I feel good about my body and my appearance and I’m satisfied with what I have done to myself! Aside from feeling good and proud of myself, it has been amazing to notice how my physical condition has bettered, how I can survive jogs and cycling sessions I would never before have survived. After looking into my nutrition, I feel like I know what’s good for me and what is totally unnecessary. I sleep better, I have more energy and my skin looks good. Besides all these incredibly big changes for the better, most of all, I love that I have finally found a long-term motivation for sports. The motivation I have never had before. Now I know that no matter what, I can always squeeze in a short jog or take time to go to the gym -not because I need to, but because I want to and because I feel better afterwards.

Although I’ve been pretty happy with myself for the last few years, never before have I felt more excited after buying a new pair of jeans for myself: after losing so many kilos in the last few months, I fit into small clothes, and damn these new jeans look good on me

Qué será, será, whatever will be, will be… May 3, 2009

Last week I received a confirmation from Washington D.C. that I did pass the security check and may now apply for a visa. A day later, I had an apartment from the Northeast area, and an internship guide before my eyes. Once again, everything feels so surreal. Until now, the whole internship in D.C. has just been a possibility, but suddenly, it has become real. Way too real for my taste. I feel intimidated, uncertain, a little scared. On the other hand, I recognize what a huge possibility this is, but it always goes like this. Once you feel secured and comfortable where you are, things change and adjustment to something new needs to be done.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am real proud of myself and really excited. And I know three months there will fly by and when the day comes that I need to leave D.C. behind, I will wish it would have lasted longer. But for now, I’m quite happily engaged in my life here and building everything from scratch feels scary. I know I will be okay, but for now, this uncertainty that hovers over me drives me crazy.

For now, I’ll try to put all my effort and concentration into writing my gradu and the summer. Hopefully things will turn out well, and swell

Oh, and if you want to check out my apartment in Washington D.C., here’s where it is…:

http://maps.google.fi/maps?oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&q=1117+4th+Street,+NE,+Washington+D.C&um=1&ie=UTF-8&split=0&gl=fi&ei=INb9SY2kBtG4-QbZ6oCsAg&sa=X&oi=geocode_result&ct=title&resnum=1

As if this happened before… April 14, 2009

Sitting in the tram this morning, listening to City and Colour on my iPod, walking home in the crisp spring weather, listening to birdsing and looking at the city in its hustle and bustle. What a deja vú. Reminded me of Toronto exactly one year back. Sitting on the streetcar towards Bathurst. Listening to the same songs. Having that same smile on my face, the same hustle and bustle around me.

Good times.

Magical Music April 14, 2009

Things have been exquisite in the musical front in the last few weeks. I had my first “real” gig at Liberté with my band, put together only for this occasion, and I had a blast. It was awesome being on stage again, in front of all my friends and fam, and strangers. I was pretty happy with how the gig went, even though there wasn’t too much time to practice together with the band. I feel as though my confidence has been somewhat boosted in terms of my singing and performing – I do get nervous, but I have learned to control my nerves and sing steadily nevertheless. Every time I am about to perform, I do get butterflies in my tummy, but it’s a good feeling. Every time, I know I will do good, that I can sing well, that my singing can knock some people off their feet

After that awesome experience, I was lucky enough to see TWO musicals in London last week!!! We had ordered tickets online for Les Misérables in advance and then we got last minute tickets for only 25 pounds to see Spring Awakening. Wow. Incredible stuff.

Les Misérables was, well, a spectacle. It was grand and magical and mesmerizing. The set was incredibly well done, the singers were brilliant, the music was touching and beautiful, the story one to remember. The cast was spectacular, and I was happy to see Earl Carpenter (who played Phantom in The Phantom of the Opera that I saw two years ago) play Javert! Nice to see “familiar” faces… Anyways, I am short of words. What an experience, a night to remember. I especially loved Eponine sing “On My Own”. It was pure heaven.

Spring Awakening was interesting. Since I had already seen it in Finnish here in Helsinki, it was really nice to see how the Londoners performed it. Surprisingly, almost every little detail was identical to the Finnish performance, apparently the show is supposed to be like the original. Nevertheless, there were a few differences, the biggest of which was probably the more humorous undertone of the British version and the incredible singing by the London cast. It was kinda nice to see something familiar on stage, I enjoyed it a lot more then than the first time I saw it in Finland. But otherwise, all the credit to the Finnish version and the Finnish cast, their performance rocked as well.

All these magical musical moments have, once again, made me hungry for more. Hungry for musicals, hungry for singing, hungry for stage. These instances and experiences teach me that nothing in this world is impossible if you believe. So yes, I’m gonna make it one day!

It’s been a long time coming… March 31, 2009

I guess I needed a little break from writing and as I have always thought, one should not write if one is not up for it. This doesn’t only apply to my blog, but I can also see this principle sometimes too well in action when it comes down to writing my thesis…

Anyways, I’ve done some soul-searching and put bits and pieces together. I’ve found a new interest in working out and I’ve payed close attention to my nutrition. Although I’ve heard a few voices of doubt from people as to why I’m doing this and as to why I shouldn’t do this and that, I’m sticking with my routine, because it makes me feel good about myself and I can see myself improving. It’s so awarding to see that you can run more each week, or that you can lift heavier weights or when you discover new tactics at badminton. And besides, I know my body and my mind, and as long as I’m enjoying myself, I do what I do. And no counter-arguments what-so-ever. There.

Otherwise life has been busy. I sometimes feel exhausted from all the things I’m doing, but on the other hand, it’s a good kind of exhaustion. Life feels vibrant, exciting, and good. I’ve got a few gigs coming up, one at a club and the other with a symphony orchestra, so I’ve got it going good. The spring is approaching and besides work, working on the thesis, and working out, I have family and friends, and someone to occasionally cuddle with. Not complaining at all.

Next week I fly to London for a few days with friends and in August I’m most likely off to Washington D.C. for an internship at the Finnish Embassy… life is exciting!

I feel like within the last few months, I’ve looked at life from many sides, from up and down and right and left. I feel like I’ve learned a lot, and gained even more. I feel like I’m actually starting to know life a bit. And that’s a good way to start the spring!

Something old, something new… February 15, 2009

Life is a rollercoaster ride, they say. And so it is. I’ve got firsthand experience of it, that’s for sure. But as they also say, if it wouldn’t be fore the valleys, we wouldn’t see the peaks either. So whatever all of the lows in my life denote, I’m sure they are as significant, or even more, than the highs.

Since my success in the relationship-jungle has been a bit on the unlucky side, I’ve tried to concentrate my energy into other things. I celebrated my 25th bday with a bunch of really good friends, and it sure turned out into a night of mayhem. It is kind of interesting how things that you sort of wished for a year ago might have come true a year later…I guess there is a time for everything. Anyways, a good bday.

I’ve also put my mind into music. I had the privilege of doing this gig with a symphony orchestra. Musical tunes, lots of listeners, an orchestra of 60 (!!), and me standing on the stage, in the centre of it all. That was something. When I was standing there in front of all those people, singing with my whole being -I felt like that’s exactly where I belong. I’m happy I did it, I got really good feedback and more gigs… so maybe this is a start of something new. Maybe at last, I will make it…

Just now that I’ve settled back into Finland, I’m, again, looking at the possibility of moving out of the country. I was interviewed for a position at the cultural department of the Finnish Embassy in Washington, D.C. It would be a three-month internship…and now I’m keeping my fingers crossed. As much as I want to go back to T.O., I feel like I need new experiences, new places to discover, new challenges. This would be that for sure. And who wouldn’t want to live next to Barack Obama, for God’s sake!

As far as my personal life is concerned, I’m having fun and enjoying myself for now. This newly discovered freedom feels good and I feel on top of the game. So there, life is what it is and meanwhile, you should have fun and enjoy it and not worry too much. And that’s what I intend to do for now. Immerse a little bit of that Torontonian attitude that I had a year ago, and see where it leads me.

Why? January 26, 2009

That’s all I have to say, really. I don’t get it. Apparently I’m just not entitled to happiness. I got way too happy and way too excited way too early. Now it’s gone and I’m back to the excruciating pain and questioning of why -why, for once, things just couldn’t work out for me?

Besides feeling sad and clueless about what just happened, I’m starting to feel bitter about everything. Why does everything need to be so hard. I don’t understand. I’m tired of struggling like this.

Wish granted? January 18, 2009

Usually it is so that things go as they will, and things you wish for you get when you least expect it. Just as I was about to think that year 2009 can’t bring about anything better than 2008, I was pleasantly surprised. Overwhelmed, perhaps. Stunned.

It has been approximately 2,5 weeks from New Years, and I’m feeling good. Once again, life has granted me with something very good, something I’ve longed for for a long time. Everything seems right, this is how things should be. Still I’m a bit afraid to say anything more or rejoice too early, because what if it’s taken away from me?

But as always, I’ve gained confidence. I feel better every day about the whole thing and I think and believe that my wish has become true. I do. Something good is gonna come out of this!

Exciting.

From 08 to 09 January 1, 2009

The first day of the year 2009 and I’m feeling pretty good. The year got off to a good start and so I have high expectations concerning the rest of the year. Hopefully this new year will bring me on to new adventures and to new places, bring me and my loved ones happiness and joy each and every day!

Usually I’ve had a certain idea or a kind of feeling what the next year might or might not have in store for me. You know, the usual “I’ll be in school”, or “I’ll continue working at the coffee shop”, or something like that. This year, everything feels different in that I don’t really know where this year will lead me. First time in my life, I’m kind of at a crossroads: the only thing I “know” about 2009 is that I’ll be working on my gradu and hopefully doing my internship, but as far as other things are concerned, I have no clue where I’ll be or what I’ll be say six months from now. But, for the first time, this uncertainty doesn’t bother me, but it rather feels good not to know exactly what the new year will bring.

Year 2008 was phenomenal. If year 2006 was awesome and 2007 incredible, 2008 was heavenly. So many things, big and little, have made year 2008 into the best year of my life so far, but it would take me hours to recount each and every memory and moment that made it so good. So to sum it up quickly, year 2008 consisted largely of good times, travelling, new acquaintances, new challenges, newly-discovered independence, romance, parties, and new family members. It’s always remembered by Toronto, all the people, moments, and months there; Canada and the road trip; birth of my nephew Nooa; my moving back to Finland and settling back into the Finnish society; friendships; and what not. After 2008, I’m wiser because now I know Canadian indie music, because Toronto is my second home and I know my way around the city, I know about wine, about gradu-writing, about vegan food and about the Canadian university life. I’ve been to New York and I’ve driven around the East coast of Canada. I’ve become more me and I’m not afraid to show my true colours.

Every year I’ve wondered if the new year can surpass the previous one. For several years, I’ve been amazed to see that it has, so I’m not wrong to say that for sure, year 2009 will be even better than year 2008. Like I said, NYE was just a start for all good things and so the next 364 days must be out of this world!

Sense and Sensibility December 29, 2008

After seeing “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” at the movies tonight, I began to think about what I want from life. The movie as such wasn’t the deepest or most touching movie out there, but it certainly made me think. After close inspection of two very different lifestyles, it became apparent to me that one is for me, one is not.

I’ve always thought I wanted stability, safety, routines and order in life. I guess that’s what a perfectionist like me somehow strives for in life, in some way or another. But after seeing that flick, I think I’d rather go for excitement, adventure, even uncertainty. I’m not saying I don’t wanna settle down, because that’s exactly what I want right now, but I feel that I need to be with someone who has that certain appeal to him -a tinge of excitement and mystery around him, maybe an artsy sort of guy with whom everyday is not only routines and another day, but with whom each and every day feels exciting.

Or maybe it’s that I’m after that sort of lifestyle at the moment. Maybe that’s why I enjoyed living in Toronto so much -because of the freedom, of the sort of “bohemian” style of living, because of the spontaneity of people that seized me as well. I do want stability and safety, but around it I need passion for life. Even fireworks at times.

Now I don’t want to seem light-minded, because that’s the last thing I am. But I guess I wish I could be more carefree at times and clutch at the uncertainties and adventures that I meet in life. I don’t want a life pre-planned, a “perfect” relationship or a mortgage to be paid, but rather a relationship that is fulfilling and meaningful, a life that offers new things, something worth living for.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but maybe you get the idea… it’s challenging to think what one wants.