Kisses don’t lie April 21, 2007

As a young girl, I used to dream about kissing. It didn’t really matter who the person would be, but I just wanted to experience the sensation. To kiss. To make out, and all that. Just for the excitement of it. I mean who doesn’t enjoy the act of kissing?

Well, my thoughts on this have later changed. I don’t want to go around kissing just for the sake of it. I realized this some time ago, when I ended up kissing someone I barely even knew. Didn’t feel pleasurable at all. Didn’t enjoy it. To tell you the truth, it was horrible. I just don’t understand why as a youngster I would dream of having a stranger’s tongue in my throat. Nowadays, kissing has to mean something. It has become more intimate, more meaningful. If there is no emotion or no feeling behind it, it ceases to be enjoyable. If, however, the kiss conveys something (at least more than just an initiative for a one night stand), then it can be pure heaven.

I still get chills when I think about what happened. I swear that will be my last “I-don’t-even-know-you” -kiss. Or better “what-the-heck-is-that-stranger’s-tongue-doing-in-my-throat” kind of kiss. Gross.

Dreams coming true April 21, 2007

Choosing courses and filling out next year’s timetables for York felt kinda surreal. I feel like I’m still in a haze, not fully understanding what’s happening around me. In the back of my head I know that in less than a year from now I’ll be living in Toronto, waking up each morning to see the skyscrapers in the horizon, and going to lectures in the York campus. It just feels so far away, and so unreal. Each paper and form I need to fill out makes the dream a bit more realistic, but still I can’t quite grasp it. I’m so excited, but somewhere I still hesitate to celebrate and plan anything in case something goes wrong. In a way, I guess I try to keep it buried behind my thoughts, because I don’t want to start the journey just yet.

For now, I am happy and content here at home and I don’t want to part with anything right now. I know I have made the right choice, nevertheless. That in January, I will be ready and the time will be right. The trip to London and the upcoming conference trip to Tartu have both made me realize that I do love it abroad, that I feel alive when in a multicultural, versatile and international atmosphere. I’m anxiously waiting for the time I get to spend in Toronto, but now I need to concentrate on my life here.

After all, there are still 8 months to go before the exchange and as the previous 8 months have shown me, a lot can happen in that time…I wouldn’t want to waste the months by living a dream that doesn’t exist just yet.

Love is a many splendored thing April 8, 2007

A couple of months back our closest family friends announced their divorce. It didn’t shock me, neither did it surprise me. Being the people person I am, it wasn’t hard to notice that things weren’t like they once were. I didn’t really think about their split up that much, at least not until today. When, for the first time ever, only one person of that family walked through our doors, then it really hit me. Nothing would be the same again -not even between our families. It’s definitely a sad thing for the family, but the divorce also ultimately affects other people, too. I know we’ll be able to keep in touch with both parties, but it’s going to be different. Although I know that this was the best decision for them to make, I feel sad because everything that we did together as families is going to come to an end. It’s goodbye to the warm spring evenings out at their balcony, and goodbye to the (ex)couple’s wonderful singing and music at parties and gatherings. It’s goodbye to all that they, as a unit, represented to me. It’s sad, but life goes on.

I know in time I’ll get used to the new situation and we’ll come up with new ways to communicate and keep in touch with both parties. And I know that eventually, this decision will make the family happy. But for now, I really miss my “other” family as it was. At 23, it’s still hard to see things change.

On the pleasures of research April 6, 2007

I had not looked forward to the day I would really have to start working on my proseminar paper. But eventually, that day started to draw closer and closer, and today, it was finally here. I woke up early but stayed in bed for hours just because I did not want to start unravelling the mess I had earlier made with the paper. When I finally got in front of the computer, armed with piles of books and notes, the words started miraculously to appear on the screen. Suddenly, I had 11 pages of finished text, and felt all excited and inspired by my project.

It’s a funny thing how you try to avoid something, but once you finally get to it, it is not that bad after all. I ended up having a great day in front of my computer and I really look forward to day two with the 20 books that are scattered all over my bed. Oh, and I do hope that the words will still come as easily to me tomorrow as they did today…