Happy, happy – joy, joy May 30, 2007

I feel incredibly giddy and joyful at the moment. Life is good. I can’t stop smiling, and there are no words to really explain where all of these feelings are coming from. I guess it is just the mixture of everything that has happened to me recently, life just feels great right now. Nothing major has really happened to me, it’s just the littlest things that make a difference.

Last year at this time I thought my life couldn’t get any better. But it has. Here are a few reasons why I feel so happyish at the moment:

School is out for a few months. I finished my bachelor’s degree and I feel like I’ve finally accomplished something in terms of studying. I have incredible friends in my life, people that thorougly understand and know me, people that I can relate to, people I can turn to, people that can turn to me. I took part in two amazing conferences, both of which enriched my life and enabled me to meet new people. I have the coolest job -I love it there and I could just work my days through. It’s summer! The weather is hot and sunny (well, was yesterday…). I will get a nice paycheck for working 76 hours in 3 weeks. Hmmm. My life just seems interesting and fun at the moment and I will keep on smiling no matter what. There are tons of other things that have impacted me, things that are reasons behind this giddiness, but I don’t have room to mention all of them.

Most of all, however, I feel serene, relaxed, and complete inside. And in the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

Cheers for life!

Deja vu May 27, 2007

I remembered it felt awesome. And I still remember I was pumped for weeks, and that I still reminisce on the memories of it. I just didn’t remember it felt this good.

What am I talking about? The NAAS Conference, of course. I reckon I said a couple of words of praise about last year’s conference here in Helsinki when I started writing this blog. I felt like it, among other things, hugely impacted my life and was sort of a spring board for something new, a new beginning for my life. It brought me face to face with myself, I discovered so many things about myself during that week. If all this greatness and fun stuff started from Helsinki a year ago, the Tampere Conference this weekend was a culmination point for all of the amazing things I’ve had a chance to experience this year. It was sort of a deja vu, everything from last year’s conference started coming back to me, I felt -like back in Helsinki a year ago- so alive, so happy, so ME.

It is amazing how international meetings with people that share the same interests can give so much to a person. It is also incredible how there are no boundaries, or no limits in the sense that once you take part in the conference, you’re in, you’re one of the group whatever you’re “status” or background or age may be. It was so cool to hang out and party with people from all over the world, with people that showed you appreciation, and were sincere and genuine. I started thinking about the experience and what it means to me. The fact that I feel appreciated and understood in such circles has to tell me something. I feel totally at ease, I’m self-confident, and I love socializing with everyone. I guess it means that the job I will one day find, will have to be one that takes me to situations like that -a job that enables me to be me.

I also experienced another incredible thing. Not a deja vu, though. I drank way too much and was so drunk that I saw double the people that were really there…And I thought I was wasted last year in Helsinki…

Ahhh, conferences, conferences.

Motivation to work May 20, 2007

Changing jobs can be a pain in the ass. That’s why I kept working at the cafe where I didn’t feel appreciated and where I didn’t get to do what I wanted or work when I wanted. Nevertheless, I wanted to endure, because I thought switching jobs would ultimately be too hard and wearisome.

However, when I hadn’t heard from my employer for over a month, I decided to start looking for a new job. And it proved to be much easier than I thought. In less than a week, I had a new job, in the same cafe, but in central Helsinki!! And if things couldn’t get any better, my bosses are two gay men -really hip and cool and relaxed, I get to work in three different cafes, I still get to make the same coffee drinks, and I get as many hours as I like, and it pays pretty well, too. I’m not saying it’s an easy job working 8,5 hours a day and sometimes running around like a headless chicken, but I like it. Finally I feel like I’m appreciated, I have nice fellow workers, and I don’t mind going to work.

The lesson?

Let me think. One should not settle for a crappy job. You can always find a better one if you really wish to change things around. And yeah, being a barista babe, mmm…it’s not so bad

Moments of Happiness May 15, 2007

The moments of happiness…
We had the experience but missed the meaning,
And approach to the meaning restores the experience
In a different form, beyond any meaning
We can assign to happiness…
…the past experience revived in the meaning
Is not the experience of one life only
But of many generations – not forgetting
Something that is probably quite ineffable…

T.S. Eliot

Didn’t feel like writing about anything in particular today, but I came upon this poem of a man I highly respect. May this be the word of the day when there’s nothing else to say.

National humiliation? May 13, 2007

After placing 17th in the Eurovision Song Contest and after losing the gold medal to Canada in the Hockey World Championships, Finland is, once again, dissapointed and depressed. The Senate Square, at which more than 25 000 people gathered two nights in a row to watch the show and the game on huge screens, is desolate and quiet. I’m quite sure that tomorrow’s papers will be covered with pictures of crying fans and sad faces, headlines screaming “National sorrow” or “Humiliated, once again.” That seems to be the phenomenon every year.

But after seeing how amazing an event the Song Contest was to Helsinki, how the city became a vibrant, lively place, and how the hockey team did better than anyone had expected, I don’t think we should feel humiliated at all. I mean come on! We just hosted the most incredible show of the year, our tiny but beloved nation was seen by more than 120 million people, and we left the World Champs with silver medals, even though we could have left the games much, much earlier with nothing to bring home to.

I think we should feel proud and happy because in the last couple of days, we, as a nation, have been out there; our country’s name has been on everyone’s lips, and our country has looked damn good, too. So enough with that feeling of being embarrased, depressed, or humiliated. Finland has made us proud and that’s what counts.

And lest not forget: we did beat Sweden in both events!!!

Eurovisionism May 12, 2007

My home city is in Eurovision gear. Anywhere you go in the city, you can easily see that the Eurovision Song Contest is finally here. There are bunches of tourists, lots of advertisements, different happenings, and the entire city has definitely been surged with carnival spirit. I have always sort of dispised the song contest, made fun of the songs, and watched the show secretly on TV. Today, I must admit, that I am looking forward to the show, it is incredible that the contest is here in Helsinki!

Let me make this clear: I am still not a Eurovision fan. Oh no. But I cannot but love Helsinki today: it represents everything that I love in a city. I have never seen this many people out on the streets celebrating, enjoying the sunshine, and just hanging out. Yesterday there were a couple of free concerts at the Senate Square: Crash and Don Johnson Big Band both performed in front of thousands and thousands of people cramped together at the square. There are no words to describe the atmosphere there.

I have to go out today and enjoy the spirit of the city while it lasts. And I can’t even imagine what might happen if Finland won the contest and if Finland’s hockey team wins today. Then, the city will be in beautiful chaos.

I think I lost myself again May 5, 2007

“Suffocating, barely breathing, I think I lost myself again. Anything. Love me, hurt me. I think I lost myself again”, sings a wretched voice in one of my all-time favourite songs. It is extremely weird to feel this way when at the same time you feel like you’re on the top of the world. I thought that my life couldn’t get any better, but it has, without doubt, taken yet another few turns towards something good. In the last couple of weeks I’ve been incredibly happy and excited about my life. And I still am. This whole spring has been full of great stuff, amazing friends, and incredible things.

Although I feel satisfied and happy, I feel a bit lost. I don’t know why, though. Maybe it’s just because of today. Today I’ve felt a bit anxious and haven’t been able to concentrate on anything. Although I’ve done a huge amount of serious soul-searching lately, I cannot come up with anything to explain this sudden sensation. I’ve even experienced the entire scale of emotions lately, and that, if anything, should show me that I’m not lost, that I’m here, that I do exist.

But then again, I don’t, after all, have to go that deep into my soul to explain this. I just realized that this is the first day for weeks I’m totally by myself, in total silence, with no one around me. I don’t think I’ve lost myself, really, but I just haven’t spent enough time with myself lately, and that’s why I feel so weird. I didn’t see this day coming a year ago, but I have to say that I don’t enjoy being by myself that much anymore. I’ve become a people person with a capital letter and a socializer in every sense of the word. I know it’s good to be alone for a change, but I do miss the action, the excitement and the company. If I could, I would, without hesitation, call all of my people to come over and party with me.

And I do think it’s rather serious that I could picture myself sharing a flat with all of these friends. Me, the person who used to enjoy her privacy and loved living by herself. Mmmm, yep, I think I must have lost myself.

Self-motivated insomnia May 2, 2007

I remember laughing at a person who said that a conference trip would be just an excuse to get wasted. I’m not laughing anymore. The North American Studies’ conference trip to Tartu, Estonia was truly a get-away from everything. An added to that, the trip ended up containing a lot of boozing around. With such great company and lots of free time, I found myself drinking 4 nights (and days) in a row. Not good. But definitely tons of fun. I’ve never slept so little, drank so much, been so wasted, or had so much fun. The trip taught me yet again so much about myself and the people around me. Not only did I get to mingle with people who share the same interests with me, but I also had the chance to take a deeper look into my own self.

In the middle of all the partying and craziness, I understood so many things about myself. At times I’ve been in denial about stuff, at times I haven’t had time to think things through. Now I was forced to look inside and I am glad I had to do that. Thanks to the booze, I was forced to come face to face with myself, and the realities of my life.

Weather it’s the nights without sleep, or the many hours awake, I do feel that the trip made me realize what an amazing bunch of true friends I have around me. Besides the awesome new friends that I made on the trip, I got to know some of the “older” ones better. I’m truly blessed to have such great people in my life. Sometimes I feel I don’t deserve them, but I’m glad they are willing to stick with me in good and in bad. Without them, I’d be a wreck.

And what comes to the self-motivated insomnia, I slept it off last night. 15 hours of sleep does one good.