Old and New acquaintances July 29, 2007

This week I was able to meet up with both old and new friends. After the week, I feel refreshed and renewed someway. With my old friend it was great discovering that even though we see once or twice a year, it’s so easy catching up and continuing from where we left. It hasn’t been like that always, but I feel like we’ve both changed and somehow have found each other again.

I was also excited to spend some one-on-one quality time with my new friend, and was completely blown away by the discovery of the similarities we have and the things we share. At this age, it feels incredible finding people who somehow complement you and your thoughts. We had a real spectacular time with her and I am so happy we have gotten to know each other in the last few months.

Two years ago I was afraid I would end up alone when one of my friends at the department was planning to change masters and one was planning to go to the army. Two years later I find myself surrounded by a bunch of good friends, and a handful of really close ones. It’s incredible how life can change at a really fast pace. But I wouldn’t change a thing.

And I’m speechless when it comes to my friends. Each and every one has a special spot in my heart and means the world to me. I feel blessed to have all of these people in my life.

What lies ahead July 24, 2007

“Dear Miss Taivainen,

It is with great pleasure that I offer you admission to York University. Congratulations on this important achievement in your life.”

With these words the vice-president of the university welcomed me to join the York family. I felt really festive opening up the envelope. Although I knew that I had already been granted admission to go on exchange, it was still a bit scary peeking into the envelope and looking at the first words and wondering weather they started with “congratulations” or with “I’m sorry to tell you that…”

Enclosed in the letter was my York student number. I was able to log into the student register and email, and spent hours surfing on the student pages. I couldn’t but be in awe with all of the stuff offered at the university. Added to the amazing and interesting courses, there is so much to do and so much to see only in the campus area. I already chose the sweatshirt that I NEED to get once I get there (can you believe it, there were at least 50 different kinds of shirts available!), and got acquainted with the sports facilities and teams, student clubs, and all the possible past-times.

To my utmost surprise, I found out that there are more than 40 restaurants, coffee shops, and cafeterias in the campus area, including Wendy’s, Yogen Fruz, Subway, KFC, Taco Bell, the Second Cup, and to my delight, my all-time favourite eatery, Tim Horton’s!

Besides all the excitement caused by the letter, I have someone coming over today to look at my apartment. In the end of the day, I might have everything pretty much settled concerning the exchange. I guess the next thing to do is to start making flight plans…

It’s here! July 23, 2007

I received a call today. There’s a package for me from Canada. So it’s finally here -my ticket to York University! I can’t wait to get my hands on the package (errr, I know what that sounds like…) once it arrives at my doorstep. I know it has been a dream so far, but now it’s reality. Still many months before I leave but it’s definitely offical now.

 And I’m thrilled!

Teardrops July 17, 2007

I haven’t cried for a long time. Or I don’t remember crying in the past few months. That changed today. I’ve had these mixed emotions about everything today. I don’t really know why, but I’ve felt a little gloomy today. It’s weird to feel this way, because in reality, I’m really happy and everything’s going my way in my life. I’m doing things I love, my work is awesome, my friends are irreplaceable, and otherwise life is smiling, too. I feel guilty not feeling good despite all the good things in my life. I really tried to fight the gloominess off by walking home in the warm and sunny weather and by working out at the gym. But when I got home, I just burst into tears. It might be weariness from working two jobs or the unsettled issues I have with my friend. It might be the fact that I see everyone else pairing up with someone and wishing that I had something like that, too. Or perhaps it’s all of the promises unkept and plans that never happened. It might be the fact that despite of all my amazing friends and the rather active and exciting social life, I realized that in the end of the day, I’m alone in this world. I know that I’m not alone in the sense that I’m always surrounded by friends and family and that I know that they’ll always be there for me no matter what. But in life one is basically by him- or herself, and today I just feel totally alone. I know I should get used to enjoying the alone-time like I used to, but I can’t. Not today.

I also know I’ll feel better tomorrow. Maybe I just needed to get something out and sort of purify my mind. I still don’t know why I’m crying. I’ve been doing some deep soul searching, but I cannot find the answer. Maybe it’s just all of the above mixed with uncertainty about too many things. Being the control-freak that I am (well, I’m not exactly a control-freak..but you get what I mean, right?…), it’s hard for me to let things go their own way and not being able to do anything. It’s hard for me to have plans change and face a week with no plans. In that sense it’s extremely good for me to realize that I cannot control everything and that I need to accept the uncertainty of life in itself. Spontaneity is not one of my assets, but I’m trying to learn to be more spontaneous.

Crying didn’t really make me feel better, but at least writing things down cleared my mind a bit. And please, don’t get me wrong. Everything is fine. I’m happy and my life is great. This was just one of those days. One of the days I haven’t had for such a long time. I guess considering all the fun and awesomeness of the past year, it’s acceptable to have one gloomy day. And it’s definitely good practise for me to learn to live one day at a time, and not worry about the future. Once I go on exchange, I have to cease the day and live in the moment. And I definitely have to start loving uncertainty, because I’m sure I’ll come face to face with it a lot in Toronto.

For some reason, teardrops are still running down my face. Please make it stop.

Reality sets in July 12, 2007

The exchange is not a dream anymore, it will be on in less than 5 months. The reality is really starting to sink in, too. I keep finding myself daydreaming about what my life will be like once I’m really there. The emails I get from the university make my stomach turn upside-down and I realize that I’m really leaving. I’m really going through with this plan. It’s weird talking about next spring or hearing people plan something, and then realizing that “0h, well, I’m not here then”, or “I don’t know what I’ll be doing then”. Being a person that likes to hold the strings in her hands and plan things beforehand, it is hard and scary not being able to control anything related to the exchange period. Well, I’m sure there’s a lot I can do, but basically I just need to get used to the fact that once I get there, I’ll get things settled. That I just have to go there a bit blindfold and believe that things will turn out ok.

A week ago I wrote an ad saying I wanted to rent my apartment. It was really strange getting emails and phone calls from people that I don’t even know, saying they would “really want to live in my home.” Still haven’t found a good fit into my apartment, but will hopefully find someone before December…

It’s definitely challenging for me to go through with this plan of mine. But I’m so looking forward to the exchange nevertheless. I know I will be fine. And I know once I’m there, I might not want to come back.

I’m still waiting for the letter of confirmation, though. The admissions office emailed me and told me that it should arrive “anytime now”, but since I’m officially a spring student, that might take a while. Once I get the paper in my hands, the exchange will be final. I guess then I’ll officially be a York university student. And that’s pretty damn cool.

 And god-damn-it, I will reside in Toronto!!!

Sleepless Days and Nights July 9, 2007

Being back at the cafe for a change was wonderful. Felt blood flowing through my veins again! I was feeling super energetic, happy, and alive again. Despite all the fun and inspiration back at the cafe, I admit I feel incredibly tired. Working 13 days in a row isn’t the wisest thing to do…

On another front, I spent a day by myself for a change also. And I don’t quite know how I feel about that. I used to dispise people that said they didn’t enjoy being alone, that they always wanted to be surrounded by people. Now that’s starting to change for me and I really felt weird being completely by myself. I couldn’t really figure out what to do and I aimlessly strode around the city, nothing special in mind. I know it’s important to spend some quality time with yourself as well, but I’ve grown to love socializing and my friends to the extent that I’d rather just hang with someone and do nothing than try to figure out what to do by myself.

 That’s the deal. Yup. Sorry, not making sense right now. With only two hours of sleep last night and after a weekend of working and partying, I’m falling asleep any second now.

The Future of Men July 4, 2007

My God. I’ve got to read this book that I found at work. It’s called the Future of Men. Yeah, if there really is a future out there for men, I’d like to know what it looks like… The book sounds interesting. Topics range from The Great Gender Shift and Me Tarzan, You Jane to Metrosexualmania, the Ubersexual and Real Men.

 Ha. It sure will be an amusing read. I’ll let you know if the future looks bright or not after first figuring out what on earth being an ubersexual man means…

Tonin’ it up July 2, 2007

I decided to start working out again. I have a free gym both upstairs in my apartment building and downstairs at the office. It’s truly a shame I haven’t used them, and since my body could use some toning, it’s something I ought to do. It’s weird that I haven’t been able to put the same amount of determination and will into excercising than the amount of determination I’ve put into my diet and eating habits. For two and a half years now, I’ve been without junk food, greasy goodies, and other unhealthy stuff. I’m extremely happy and satisfied with the results and I’m really proud I’ve managed to get rid of all the unnecessary food and that I’ve stuck to my decision. It hasn’t even been hard, really. I guess once I decide something, I usually keep my mind.

Usually, that is. See, several times I’ve made a decision to start excercising and I’ve decided to keep up with it, too. But, every time, I’ve managed to slip out of the routine for the strangest reasons. Last year I started jogging and I felt really good about it, too. For several weeks, I jogged at least 3-4 times a week and enjoyed the fact that I was able to outlast quite long runs, too. However, one jog changed everything. It was probably just one of those days when nothing’s working perfectly; I just couldn’t finish running the usual round, and I had to walk home. That was such a huge dissapointment for me that, eventually, I quit running. Obviously, in that area of my life, I do not have enough determination and strength. And that’s a shame.

However, I’ve decided (once again) to start the workout, and I truly wish that this time I could stick with it longer than a few weeks or months. I wish that I will keep on doin’ it even when I feel like quitting.

So why now, you may ask? Well, I guess excercising is part of the healthy way of living that I try to promote and live myself…and it is embarrasing that I do not work out as much as I should. And I guess my bod could use some tonin’, too. And it doesn’t do any bad, does it? I mean I do want to be able to wear my bikinis this summer, right?