Sense and sensibility August 21, 2007

In the last few weeks I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather. It seems that I have an inner struggle going on, a struggle between sense and sensibility. On one hand, I know what I have to do, what one is supposed to do according to common sense, but on the other I feel like my emotions are guiding me a bit too much.

What is one to do then? It is really hard to find a balance between the two -to figure out what is ultimately the best for yourself, to follow your sense, or your emotions.

There is this thing called the Enneagram. It is a personality type indicator, amazingly trustworthy and interesting. I’m a person who doesn’t really believe in any tests or so, but this one, I must admit, works. According to the Enneagram, people are categorized to nine different personality types, which then are divided to types that mainly follow either sense, emotions, or doing. I took the test a couple of years back and was typed no.1, the perfectionist. Now, some people might be surprised to hear me say I am a perfectionist, but that is quite true. It comes out differently in different people.

Anyways, according to the Enneagram, I am a sense -person. I intend to make my desicions based on sense, not sensibility. And I do have to admit I do that, although it’s always such a stuggle between sense and sensibility for me. I’m a very emotional person and that’s why it is so hard for me to make desicions based on sense, and not rely only on sensibility.

Whatever be the indicator’s pluses and minuses, I feel that the Enneagram has helped me on my way to self-discovery. It is quite incredible reading descriptions of a personality type, and “finding” yourself to be “just like this type”. It also helps one to understand why one acts this way or that, why something is so difficult to this type, and why one enjoys this, and why one doesn’t love that.

Despite the Enneagram, I still struggle with myself every day. The last few days have been a struggle, but I’ll get through it eventually. Or that’s at least what my common sense tells me to do…

Yes, it can be quite sophisticated August 21, 2007

A different night out in Helsinki for a change. My friend wanted to take me to places I hadn’t been before, and it proved out to be a spectacular night. I think I was able to see Helsinkin from a different angle -we were able to avoid all the usual drunkards and places filled with beer, and spent the night sophisticatedly in hip and cool places, in great company.

A usual night out in Helsinki doesn’t consist of sipping down wine in an elegant club while listening to some first-class finnish jazz musicians play, choosing cool drinks from a extremely innovative and versatile list and seeing the bartenders really make a show in front of your eyes, or dancing in an Aussie bar with many, many Aussies and other foreigners, too.

Yes, it was a night to remember. Helsinki can be quite sophisticated and cosmopolitan, too…

Struck by lightning August 15, 2007

I woke up in the middle of the night to find myself in the middle of a severe storm. It was rather surreal to hear the raindrops beating down so hard that my ears were hurting. The sky was purple and gloomy and strangely luminous with lightning. I had to get away from my window, because the lightning was so bright it hurt my eyes. For the first time in my life, I was really scared by a storm. It is incredible how strong and unpredictable Mother Nature can be.

In the middle of all the noise, lightning, and nightly chaos, I really just wanted to run to my parent’s room and hide under their sheets, just what I used to do when still a child.

Heat wave August 9, 2007

It’s time that it got hot here in Finland! For almost a week now, the temperature has been a comfy 27 degrees celcius, the sun is shining from the clear, blue sky, and everyone seems to be feeling giddy. I have been lucky enough to have a few days off from work to enjoy the sunshine. Although I’ve worked continuously from the beginning of May (and will work throughout the rest of the summer, too), those few days made me feel like I was on vacay for a change. I was able to cram tons of friends into my days, and to visit tens of different and somewhat new sites as well. My friends took me on an excursion to the second oldest city in Finland, Porvoo (which I had never visited before…). The temperature had to be more than 30 degrees, and the city was beautiful. Walking in the hot, hot weather made me think of last year’s trip to Barcelona. Thinking back that far made me realize how many things I’ve accomplished and done this year. It’s incredible to look back and see how one’s life can change in just one year.

Maybe it was the heat that screwed our brains up, but my friend and I got this incredible idea to go raspberry hunting in the nearby forest on the hottest day of the year. While it was neat finding those sweet little berries from Mother Nature, afterwards it sure felt like we had done hours of excersize or something. And although I couldn’t really spot any mosquitoes in the forest, I can see that there clearly were bunches just by looking at my feet. How on earth did my feet get bitten by the irritating bugs? Well, the foolish city-girl went raspberry hunting in a summery skirt and a itty-bitty tank top. Yay. Sometimes I wonder where my brains are… (although I guess I could argue here that they melted due to the heat or something like that…)

Who am I? August 6, 2007

Like I’ve accounted here before, I think I’ve finally started to find the true me in the past year. I’ve become me and I feel there’s nothing really holding me back from being the person I truly am. It’s a great feeling, to feel like you know yourself, and to like the person you are. Still, I don’t feel completely satisfied with myself, or to put it better, I’m not self-confident or feel confident about who I really am.

I’ve always sort of felt like an underdog, if you know what I mean. I’ve never been the pretty, interesting, starry-eyed girl out of the group, the one that draws everyone’s attention, or the one that ends up with the best guys. I’ve never lived that kind of life, and I don’t want to live it now either. But I’m just wondering where all of this uncertainty comes from. I look at cute guys and I usually end up saying that “I would never ever have chances with a guy like that”. I feel like I’m totally out of their league, that I don’t deserve anyone that charming, or good-looking, or intelligent.

Even though this year I’ve been showered with attention and have experienced things I haven’t before, why don’t I believe in myself enough? Why do I still have the same old picture of myself tattooed in my mind, eating me up inside? Why don’t I believe that I’m worthy of a great guy, that I might have chances to hook up with someone I’ve always (only) dreamed of?

Like I said, I feel like I have never been one of the interesting girls -one of the girls that all the gorgeous and interesting guys end up with. My friend said an interesting thing to me today. She said that what if I’ve become one of those girls now. I laughed at her remark and changed the subject. But she might be right. I’m not saying I’ve suddenly become gorgeous and interesting myself, but I do think that since I’ve found the true me and have started to like myself, I might be sending out different, more self-confident signals about myself.

Then again, I don’t know. I guess I just need a bit more trust in myself, and maybe one day I’ll find my prince charming, too. It just makes me sad to notice that I don’t have that special one in my life, that cute, charming, and intelligent guy, who would shower me with affection and be there for me in the end of the day. I want that so bad, to fall asleep in someone’s arms, and wake up still in his arms, smelling the sweet scent of his skin, knowing that he’s not going anywhere.

Who am I? I guess I’m the girl I’ve always wanted to be, who still doesn’t believe she deserves more than she currently has. I guess I’m someone that has found herself, but someone that’s still on the path towards discovering something new, and ultimately, towards finding the love of her life.

Reunion August 5, 2007

A couple of weeks back I received an invitation to our senior high’s class reunion party. I hadn’t really put my mind into it before going there, and had no expectations about anything. Well, looking back at high school made me feel a bit hesitant about the whole ordeal, but I went there with an open mind to start with. It’s not like high school wasn’t fun, because it sure was. Or that I didn’t have the time of my life, because I sure did. It’s just that somehow four years ago I was a totally different person and I guess I was afraid that everything would be the same, that I would be the same old Matleena.

And how wrong I was! I ended up having so much fun, practically everyone was there, and it was so incredibly awesome catching up with people I hadn’t seen for years. It was nice noticing that people were so nice to each other and sincerely interested in everyone’s business. Even people that I hadn’t really even talked to that much in high school, were in a talkative mood.

Good memories from way back then came to my mind when everyone burst out singing those songs we used to perform back at school. It was like four years ago, but not at all like that. It was really weird and really cool simultaneously. Maybe people had changed or maybe it was just us being older and smarter, but I felt like all of those little itty-bitty irritating high school things were gone and forgotten and that people were just simply enjoying each other’s company for a change.

It was really nice to be reunited with these amazing people. I had forgotten what a great bunch we were! And although I ended up wasted, tired, and feverish, I truly enjoyed myself. And what could be a better way to end the night than to receive a sweet and friendly kiss from an old high school crush.