Emptiness July 23, 2008

A month back in Helsinki, and I miss Toronto more and more every day. I’m happy that I’ve had the chance to catch up with all my great friends and spend some quality time with my people and my family. I’m thrilled about my little and adorable nephew, and I feel comfortable in my new, stylish apartment. Yet, somehow, I feel this emptiness inside of me all the time. I keep doing things and I also keep myself busy because that’s always been my way of dealing with things, but these feelings of slight depression, sadness or emptiness don’t seem to go away.

Don’t get me wrong, things are good in Finland, and looking at my life from the outside, I should feel grateful about all the things I have and about being back. Nevertheless, I feel that the only thing that would make me happy and my life worth living again, would be Toronto. I cannot say which things exactly or why exactly I would love to be there and not here right now, but that’s how it is.

I’m not saying I’m not giving Finland a chance because I’m trying. I’m trying to move on and think about all the good things here, and maybe in a few more months I’ll be as happy as I was in Toronto. But the thing is that if things don’t change, I’m willing to sacrifice many things, and move back to Toronto. It’s not happening right now, or even soon, but one day I’ll be going back for sure. I know it’s not the same, because not all my friends are there anymore, but I always have my love for the city and Toronto and I have it going good. I love it and it loves me. And if living over there is what really makes me happy in the end of the day, I will have to take that step and start my life anew.

I don’t know. Or maybe I’m just confused and experiencing culture shock. Maybe everything feels so empty and meaningless because I’m missing that someone and those moments we had together. In any case, I hope that I can start feeling happy again, because feeling indifferent and not really excited about anything is pretty boring, uneventful and hard. And I do have faith, because my life has been amazing and awesome year after year. I trust the fact that a change will come: either I will find happiness here, or then life will take me on a new path towards happiness somewhere else in the world.

And he’s finally here… July 6, 2008

My tiny, little, adorable nephew was born on July 4th! I can’t believe he is here. I saw his mother’s big tummy only once since I spent almost her whole pregnancy in Toronto… holding the brand new member of the family in my arms today felt precious. This tiny little boy looked so cute, so perfect. It makes me wonder how incredible this world is, how a beautiful person like my nephew can just suddenly be here. I’m so happy to be an aunt. It feels special and I wish that I can watch him grow and always be there for him.

Tears and rain, and sunshine, too July 6, 2008

The last week or so has been a haze: Toronto still feels too close and yet I’m fully engaged in my life here in Finland. Time has been running like mad, and so have I. A few days at my parent’s, the move in to my new crib, and then back to work. Everything is the same, but yet it isn’t. Because I’m not. I’m doing familiar things and working in a familiar environment, still nothing feels like it used to, it’s something inside that has changed, I think. It’s still hard to think of those good times and memories in Toronto because it was really just days ago that I saw some of those people, did some of those things or went to some of those places. I can pretend to be living this life here in Helsinki, but I’m still so living in Toronto and missing every little thing there.

Although I feel dead tired after 5 days of work (it was a pleasant surprise, though, to be back and realize I could easily find the routine and that I could still make damn good coffee ), I feel positive and happy that I’ve had things to do. Although my place is awesome and roomy, I don’t feel like sitting home by myself, because then I start to think of Toronto and the things I’m missing the most. But considering the fact that I’ve only been back for 10 days, I’m doing well. Culture-shock is definitely been shocking and maybe that’s why I’ve also felt so tired and sort of blah in the last few days. But on the other hand, I’ve been more than happy to see that there are many people that have missed me and have wanted to get together and see me asap. That, if something, has made me feel very happy and content although it doesn’t take away the sadness I’m still carrying around.

But the good thing about this all is that I now have a reason to be here and that’s why I intend to stay positive and start my life anew here in my new place: I need to finish my studies so that one day I can return to Toronto. I don’t know when, but I’ll tell you when I do.