A month back in Helsinki, and I miss Toronto more and more every day. I’m happy that I’ve had the chance to catch up with all my great friends and spend some quality time with my people and my family. I’m thrilled about my little and adorable nephew, and I feel comfortable in my new, stylish apartment. Yet, somehow, I feel this emptiness inside of me all the time. I keep doing things and I also keep myself busy because that’s always been my way of dealing with things, but these feelings of slight depression, sadness or emptiness don’t seem to go away.
Don’t get me wrong, things are good in Finland, and looking at my life from the outside, I should feel grateful about all the things I have and about being back. Nevertheless, I feel that the only thing that would make me happy and my life worth living again, would be Toronto. I cannot say which things exactly or why exactly I would love to be there and not here right now, but that’s how it is.
I’m not saying I’m not giving Finland a chance because I’m trying. I’m trying to move on and think about all the good things here, and maybe in a few more months I’ll be as happy as I was in Toronto. But the thing is that if things don’t change, I’m willing to sacrifice many things, and move back to Toronto. It’s not happening right now, or even soon, but one day I’ll be going back for sure. I know it’s not the same, because not all my friends are there anymore, but I always have my love for the city and Toronto and I have it going good. I love it and it loves me. And if living over there is what really makes me happy in the end of the day, I will have to take that step and start my life anew.
I don’t know. Or maybe I’m just confused and experiencing culture shock. Maybe everything feels so empty and meaningless because I’m missing that someone and those moments we had together. In any case, I hope that I can start feeling happy again, because feeling indifferent and not really excited about anything is pretty boring, uneventful and hard. And I do have faith, because my life has been amazing and awesome year after year. I trust the fact that a change will come: either I will find happiness here, or then life will take me on a new path towards happiness somewhere else in the world.
