Missing… October 29, 2008

The worst thing about coming back home after spending ten days and nights with that special someone is going to bed alone, and waking up, still alone. Somehow it feels incomprehensible, somewhat unfair. That less than two days ago I was still in his embrace, still close to him. And now he’s so so far away.

I’m trying to go on as usual, fill my days with things. But when night comes, I find myself sniffing the t-shirt I wore in bed, smelling the sweet scent of his from the fabric, wishing he was here instead of that t-shirt. I know I shouldn’t do that because it just makes me sadder, but I can’t stop, because it brings him that much closer to me. His smell reminds me of him and the good times we had together, yet, when I open my eyes, I’m alone and he’s not here. Unfair.

Gimme answers!! October 28, 2008

I’m a bit confused now that I’m back from an awesome 10-day trip to my beloved Toronto. The ten days there were just what I needed, but the trip just made me miss my life there even more. I already noted in the previous post that being back wasn’t all fun and games, though, because although most things were like they used to be, nothing really was the same because I didn’t have most of my people there anymore to share those things with. What a confusing sentence, but perhaps that takes you to the level of confusion I’m experiencing at the moment.

What I’m really searching for right now, are answers. And answers I need, because this is my life and I want to live it to its fullest, live it happy and content, not confused and dazzled.

Although I noted that being “on my own” in Toronto wasn’t that great, I also noted that just being in the city made me happy. That living there makes me sort of proud of who I am, where I am, what I am, and so on. It is as if the city makes me who I am, it brings the best out of me, even if sometimes I feel lonely. I also acknowledge the fact that I cannot build my life around one person, nor can I start my life anew in Toronto just because it feels right. I have to have really good reasons for relocating, if I decide to do that one day. So here I am, pondering the future, thinking what I really want in life, thinking what possibilities I have after graduating, thinking of things that ultimately make me happy.

In Finland I have my family and my friends -those people that no one can replace, people that mean the world to me, people who know me inside-out, people that I love so much. In Finland I have a beautiful apartment, familiar routines, a likeable job, good life, really.

In Canada I have Toronto. The streets and buildings and smells and sights that I love. I have Little Italy, the Annex, Chinatown, Little Portugal. In Toronto I have excitement, energy, freedom, inspiration, passion. I have that someone I can cuddle with, or fall asleep with while being held in his strong arms.

And that’s not all I have in those two places. The task seems impossible -how can I compare these two? Gimme answers, I need to know where to go from here. And while I write these words down, I miss Toronto and wish I was there right now.

T-Dot October 21, 2008

Leaving for Toronto this time felt way different than in last January. I felt like going home, not really worried or uncertain or surprised about anyting. Taking the Iceland Air flight first to Reykjavik and then to T.O. was interesting. It was a total surprise for me that Iceland, unlike Finland or Canada, wasn’t covered with trees! I couldn’t spot any trees whatsoever, but saw mountainous views and rugged colours. Landing at Toronto’s Lester Pearson at night time was a change: I never saw how humongous the city actually is, how far its lights and outskirts reach, how amazingly beautiful is looks from up above. The red sky and the sunset, the CN-tower and the skyscrapers, Yonge street – I was able to see it all from the plane.

Now that I’m back here, it really feels like I haven’t left at all. Everything is the same, all the familiar sights, the sounds, the smells, the people. It was a good way to come back, for sure. Sitting on the subway from the airport and walking the streets of Little Italy felt comforting -and then I saw that Duffy was playing on the corner of my street that night! That just reminded me of the vivacity of the city. There’s always something going on, want it or not.

My weekend has been full of culture and vegan food. Hurray for that. Don Giovanni at the Opera House was impressive, dinner at a small vegan restaurant was WOW. I’ve been eating mostly vegan stuff (except for the beef patty at Kensington…), and I’m telling you – if being a vegan would be this cheap and this easy and this fabulous in Finland, I might consider becoming one. But since it isn’t, I won’t consider it. It just amazes me how much choice they have here, how well the vegans are taken care of in terms of food at restaurants, and how many totally vegan cafes, stores, or restaurants they have over here. Sunday was a perfect day: brunch at Ossington, gallery-hopping and walking in the perfect autumn weather with that special someone. We saw hunderds of Zombies (yes!!) downtown, something I’ve never experienced before! Apparently, there was a some sort of zombie walk going on… I dunno…

Being back in T.O. has been refreshing. Yet, I do acknowledge the fact that without the social web and those people I had here, it’s not the same. Although I love spending time with the man, I feel totally stranded when he’s working or someplace else. If I lived here again, I would have to build a new social environment for myself, because it isn’t healthy to be tied to just one person, is it? But all in all, I’m happy I came here. And thankfully, it’s only Tuesday. I still have a good many days to go, and hopefully a good many memories to come.

4 months ago – 4 days to go… October 14, 2008

I cannot believe how fast time has gone -once again. It has been almost four months since I started my journey back to Finland. It’s been ups and downs, for sure, but I have fully started my life anew here in Helsinki. Although it has been four full months, it surely doesn’t feel that long. I find myself thinking about Toronto and all the things there every day. And now it’s less than 4 days away again – I can’t wait to fly back and see and feel what it’s like to be there again.

I feel anxious, nervous, happy, giddy, fearful, excited, hesitant -all the feelings one can think of. It’s definitely going to be a rollercoaster ride once again, but I’m willing to take it. I can’t believe that in a few days from now, I will be walking the dear streets of the Annex, walking hand-in-hand with that special someone, and immersing myself in the familiar and oh-so-lovely T.O. life for 10 whole days!

Oh I wish I was there already! And thinking about it, I surely didn’t see myself flying over in October when I started my exchange journey in January. That’s the thing about life, you never know what to expect -it’s a rollercoaster ride worth enjoying.

A crisp autumn day October 5, 2008

Waking up to a beautiful sunlit morning with red and yellowish -coloured trees against the blue sky, I had to get out of bed immediately and head out. I’ve watched the beauty of this city pass by from the windows of several buses and sensed the feel of it when hurrying to class or work. I decided I wanted to really take in the amazing autumn weather and for once photograph those beautiful buildings I pass by every day. Walking through the Esplanade with its maple trees in rich colour, hopping from one stall to another at Kauppatori, high-heeling on the streets of Kruununhaka and trodding the Boulevard was all worth it. I got so much more out of all the sights than out of anything else in the last few days (except for the Sex and the City -girls’ nite at my place the other night!).

I feel at ease right now, I’m pretty much settled back into my life here in Finland. Nevertheless, I do miss Toronto every day, and regret not being there as well. Wouldn’t it be great if I could merge these two cities and all these people and create an alternate reality where they all existed at once?

The only thing, really, that I regret about this otherwise perfect crisp Sunday afternoon, is that I couldn’t share the beauty of it all with that special someone. I wish I had a chance to show him what I saw today. And I wouldn’t have minded walking hand-in-hand through Kauppatori, buying apples and other goodies to go, gallery-hopping together on the Boulevard, or making out underneath a most-beautifully coloured maple tree.