Sense and Sensibility December 29, 2008

After seeing “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” at the movies tonight, I began to think about what I want from life. The movie as such wasn’t the deepest or most touching movie out there, but it certainly made me think. After close inspection of two very different lifestyles, it became apparent to me that one is for me, one is not.

I’ve always thought I wanted stability, safety, routines and order in life. I guess that’s what a perfectionist like me somehow strives for in life, in some way or another. But after seeing that flick, I think I’d rather go for excitement, adventure, even uncertainty. I’m not saying I don’t wanna settle down, because that’s exactly what I want right now, but I feel that I need to be with someone who has that certain appeal to him -a tinge of excitement and mystery around him, maybe an artsy sort of guy with whom everyday is not only routines and another day, but with whom each and every day feels exciting.

Or maybe it’s that I’m after that sort of lifestyle at the moment. Maybe that’s why I enjoyed living in Toronto so much -because of the freedom, of the sort of “bohemian” style of living, because of the spontaneity of people that seized me as well. I do want stability and safety, but around it I need passion for life. Even fireworks at times.

Now I don’t want to seem light-minded, because that’s the last thing I am. But I guess I wish I could be more carefree at times and clutch at the uncertainties and adventures that I meet in life. I don’t want a life pre-planned, a “perfect” relationship or a mortgage to be paid, but rather a relationship that is fulfilling and meaningful, a life that offers new things, something worth living for.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but maybe you get the idea… it’s challenging to think what one wants.

The Road Goes On… December 29, 2008

Wow. It’s been a while since the last post. Due to numerous reasons, I just haven’t had the urge to write down anything what-so-ever. Maybe it’s been the fact that I despise writing at the moment due to my gradu, or maybe I’ve been avoiding writing down my feelings, because I haven’t had the gut to confront those feelings and emotions just yet. The last couple of months have surely been a downhill-ride for me, but I’ve also learned a lot, and I’m not complaining. After all, aren’t those ups and downs exactly things that make life worth living? And if there weren’t any downs, there wouldn’t be any ups either.

Coming back from Toronto to Finland for the second time within a few months was rougher than I thought. But as I don’t like to mellow in depression or angst, I went on living the daily routines and felt good after such an awesome trip overseas. I still sometimes wish I was there instead of here, but I’ve accepted the fact that life is good as it is right now. There’s no need to make life more miserable by living in the past and wishing to be someplace else. Anyways, things don’t always go as one wishes, and as people have different kinds of expectations, wishes, and dreams, it’s hard to make them meet, at least when there’s an entire Ocean between you two. I’m moving on and the road leads me on to new adventures. If, at some point, I find myself reminiscing, I’m welcome to do so. And if, at some point, I find myself getting off at Crawford Avenue, it’s okay, too. But for now, things are better this way. My needs and hopes and dreams need to be fulfilled, and that won’t happen if I linger on too long.

Life teaches a hell of a lot and so it has within the last twelve months or so. I wouldn’t trade any second of it for anything, none of the ups or the downs. I appreciate everything life has given me and I’m ready and willing to get some more! So bring it on, life, because I’m willing to take the next step and follow where the road leads me this time around.