Sense and Sensibility December 29, 2008

After seeing “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” at the movies tonight, I began to think about what I want from life. The movie as such wasn’t the deepest or most touching movie out there, but it certainly made me think. After close inspection of two very different lifestyles, it became apparent to me that one is for me, one is not.

I’ve always thought I wanted stability, safety, routines and order in life. I guess that’s what a perfectionist like me somehow strives for in life, in some way or another. But after seeing that flick, I think I’d rather go for excitement, adventure, even uncertainty. I’m not saying I don’t wanna settle down, because that’s exactly what I want right now, but I feel that I need to be with someone who has that certain appeal to him -a tinge of excitement and mystery around him, maybe an artsy sort of guy with whom everyday is not only routines and another day, but with whom each and every day feels exciting.

Or maybe it’s that I’m after that sort of lifestyle at the moment. Maybe that’s why I enjoyed living in Toronto so much -because of the freedom, of the sort of “bohemian” style of living, because of the spontaneity of people that seized me as well. I do want stability and safety, but around it I need passion for life. Even fireworks at times.

Now I don’t want to seem light-minded, because that’s the last thing I am. But I guess I wish I could be more carefree at times and clutch at the uncertainties and adventures that I meet in life. I don’t want a life pre-planned, a “perfect” relationship or a mortgage to be paid, but rather a relationship that is fulfilling and meaningful, a life that offers new things, something worth living for.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but maybe you get the idea… it’s challenging to think what one wants.

Gimme answers!! October 28, 2008

I’m a bit confused now that I’m back from an awesome 10-day trip to my beloved Toronto. The ten days there were just what I needed, but the trip just made me miss my life there even more. I already noted in the previous post that being back wasn’t all fun and games, though, because although most things were like they used to be, nothing really was the same because I didn’t have most of my people there anymore to share those things with. What a confusing sentence, but perhaps that takes you to the level of confusion I’m experiencing at the moment.

What I’m really searching for right now, are answers. And answers I need, because this is my life and I want to live it to its fullest, live it happy and content, not confused and dazzled.

Although I noted that being “on my own” in Toronto wasn’t that great, I also noted that just being in the city made me happy. That living there makes me sort of proud of who I am, where I am, what I am, and so on. It is as if the city makes me who I am, it brings the best out of me, even if sometimes I feel lonely. I also acknowledge the fact that I cannot build my life around one person, nor can I start my life anew in Toronto just because it feels right. I have to have really good reasons for relocating, if I decide to do that one day. So here I am, pondering the future, thinking what I really want in life, thinking what possibilities I have after graduating, thinking of things that ultimately make me happy.

In Finland I have my family and my friends -those people that no one can replace, people that mean the world to me, people who know me inside-out, people that I love so much. In Finland I have a beautiful apartment, familiar routines, a likeable job, good life, really.

In Canada I have Toronto. The streets and buildings and smells and sights that I love. I have Little Italy, the Annex, Chinatown, Little Portugal. In Toronto I have excitement, energy, freedom, inspiration, passion. I have that someone I can cuddle with, or fall asleep with while being held in his strong arms.

And that’s not all I have in those two places. The task seems impossible -how can I compare these two? Gimme answers, I need to know where to go from here. And while I write these words down, I miss Toronto and wish I was there right now.

New acquaintances August 28, 2008

It’s funny how complete strangers, people that you don’t know, enter your life suddenly. They might be new workmates or friends of friends, customers at your coffee shop that come day after day, those whom you talk to even though you really don’t know them that well. These new acquaintances might be in your life for a short time, or stay forever -you never know. Nevertheless, in the last few months I’ve had a pleasure to get to know many strangers that are strangers no more. When I thought the excitement of meeting new people on exchange would end when I came home, I was wrong. A good many people have entered my life in Finland, and I’m happy about that.

Then there are those people that are new to you and new to life. They are suddenly born into this world and when they really weren’t here a few months back, now they are. That’s the case with my 8-week-old nephew, Nooa, whom I didn’t know 8 weeks ago, and who is now always on my mind. It’s amazing how the presence of a tiny little baby can turn one’s world upside down. It’s a blessing, really, to get to follow the growing up of this little man, and to be his godmother and aunt. Although I’m happy about all the new acquaintances, this one is way ahead of anything or anyone else. It’s hard to put into words the feeling of holding this brand new life in your hands, looking at how perfect he is, and seeing him fall asleep so calmly every so often.

Nooa -if this blog still exists when you can read something like this (or if you are interested in your aunt’s colourful life…), please remember that your auntie loves you so very much. You are the best new acquaintance ever!

And he’s finally here… July 6, 2008

My tiny, little, adorable nephew was born on July 4th! I can’t believe he is here. I saw his mother’s big tummy only once since I spent almost her whole pregnancy in Toronto… holding the brand new member of the family in my arms today felt precious. This tiny little boy looked so cute, so perfect. It makes me wonder how incredible this world is, how a beautiful person like my nephew can just suddenly be here. I’m so happy to be an aunt. It feels special and I wish that I can watch him grow and always be there for him.

Tears and rain, and sunshine, too July 6, 2008

The last week or so has been a haze: Toronto still feels too close and yet I’m fully engaged in my life here in Finland. Time has been running like mad, and so have I. A few days at my parent’s, the move in to my new crib, and then back to work. Everything is the same, but yet it isn’t. Because I’m not. I’m doing familiar things and working in a familiar environment, still nothing feels like it used to, it’s something inside that has changed, I think. It’s still hard to think of those good times and memories in Toronto because it was really just days ago that I saw some of those people, did some of those things or went to some of those places. I can pretend to be living this life here in Helsinki, but I’m still so living in Toronto and missing every little thing there.

Although I feel dead tired after 5 days of work (it was a pleasant surprise, though, to be back and realize I could easily find the routine and that I could still make damn good coffee ), I feel positive and happy that I’ve had things to do. Although my place is awesome and roomy, I don’t feel like sitting home by myself, because then I start to think of Toronto and the things I’m missing the most. But considering the fact that I’ve only been back for 10 days, I’m doing well. Culture-shock is definitely been shocking and maybe that’s why I’ve also felt so tired and sort of blah in the last few days. But on the other hand, I’ve been more than happy to see that there are many people that have missed me and have wanted to get together and see me asap. That, if something, has made me feel very happy and content although it doesn’t take away the sadness I’m still carrying around.

But the good thing about this all is that I now have a reason to be here and that’s why I intend to stay positive and start my life anew here in my new place: I need to finish my studies so that one day I can return to Toronto. I don’t know when, but I’ll tell you when I do.

“I’m like a bird…” May 23, 2008

“…I could fly away. I don’t know where my home is…”

Final countdown: 5 weeks left. And I want to stay. When a dear friend from Finland came over a week ago for the rest of the time, I was excited and pumped about her coming, and still am! At the same time, though, I realized my time here was coming to an end. Her coming remarked the end of Toronto-life as I used to know it: walking on the streets by myself, spending nights in Little Italy, taking the 196 to York U, staying in bed the whole day, or spending the entire day on skype with her, and other people… Not that I miss these things so much, but I understand now that this is the beginning of the end, kind of.

These last five weeks will be phenomenal, I’m sure, but different than the first 5 months. I catch myself thinking of “this might be the last time I do this” and “I wonder how many times I’ll see this person”. I’m not really thinking about Finland, even. I’m just not ready to leave yet. I kind of wish I could turn back time, or get an extension to my time here. I find myself trying to think of ways in which I could possibly stay for longer, or indefinitely. I know I can’t stay, but I know I can come back. I’m thinking of possible internships here, or I don’t even know. It’s just that I love this city, I love this life, and I wish this life could be REAL. Sometimes everything feels so unreal. Like I know I’m here and life is brilliant, but I want it to be MINE for keeps, you know?

Maybe I’m just a bit messed up? Or have mixed-up emotions or something. Who knows. I don’t really know where my home is, but I wish it was here, in TO, in the Annex, in the arms of that someone, in the warm, humid, summer nights of the beautiful multicultural metropolis.

Hellos and goodbyes. And baseball. May 4, 2008

The last 10 days have been a strange mixture of happiness and grief, excitement and confusion. My parents came for a visit, and I was genuinely happy and glad to see them. Although we’ve been sending emails on a daily basis and talking on skype every now and then, it was great seeing them and catching up with them. I enjoyed showing them around the city, letting them in on my favourite things and places in Toronto. We had a good time, although the weather was crappy. We managed to see a lot and even the TTC strike couldn’t get on our way.

I also had the chance to visit my old home town Sault Ste. Marie. It was really nostalgic, although the city itself wasn’t that charming. We visited a lot of the places we used to go to when we lived there, and spending two nights in our old house was pretty nice. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I spotted a couple of posters on the walls that I had bought ten years ago. The familiar furniture reminded me of the good ol’ days in the Soo, those were really good times. But I was really glad to get back home to Toronto. I love this city and I couldn’t imagine living in a small city like the Soo after falling in love with the hectic Toronto life.

On another front, the last 10 days have been really confusing and tough emotionally. A lot of goodbyes. Some of the dearest and closest friends have left Toronto, and I’ve been to multiple goodbye parties in the last few days. Although I know I will see these people some time in the future, it is hard saying goodbye, especially because it is then when you realize that the time here is coming to an end. I still have a good two months left, but life won’t be like it used to be since all those people are gone. From now on, it’s just going to be different, but I’m still happy I’m here. I love my life and look forward to all the days and weeks to come in this amazing country.

And on to something totally different – I have to mention that Toronto and some Canucks have turned me into a sports fan: tomorrow I’m going to the Toronto Blue Jays’ baseball game, and I’ll be sporting a brand new Jays’ hat to cheer the team…pretty crazy, eh? Or then I’m just turning into a Canuck myself.

All I Ask of You December 1, 2007

I still feel all pumped up after finally getting to actual business. I found a perfect person to sing a duet with, and practising and rehearsing it has been more than rewarding. After a few incredibly useful and fun singing sessions together, we put the whole thing on record last night. Despite a few (well, quite many) technical difficulties, we managed to create something unique and beautiful. I think it came out better than I ever could have anticipated.

Like we both noted last night, it is not an easy thing to sing a duet. But it’s more rewarding and pleasurable than singing alone. I, for one, have learned so much during the ordeal -not just about ways of singing or working together, but about music as such. I had completely forgotten how incredibly great it feels to make music together -to share the world of music with someone. And it’s not just that: when you do something as a team, you put that much more effort into it that if you did something by yourself. I feel that I have found that passion for making music again: when you see that the other person gets at least as much energy and consolidation from music than you do, it’s all worth it.

So thank you, partner-in-crime. I look forward to working with you in the future, too! And I must say that his voice was more magical than the voice of the Phantom himself!

On another front, Toronto is drawing closer. I have a few shifts left at work and when I’m finished with exams, essays, and such, I will start packing my things and saying goodbyes to everyone around me. There’s a lot of anticipation, fear, and doubt in air, but I’m confident everything will end up going okay. 4 weeks and I’m there.

All I ask is peace and quiet and time with my friends and family. Then I’m good to go.

When you’re gone… September 2, 2007

…the pieces of my heart are missing you…

Never before have I said goodbye to 4 of my friends in just one week. It is surreal to hop from one farewell party to another, to try to say something unique to the person leaving, and to see that person for the last time before she or he is gone. A strange exchange boom has overtaken my circle of friends, myself included. Some have gone abroad for good, some for a little while. But it’s all the same when they’re gone.

It hasn’t really dawned on me yet, that a huge part of my friends have relocated in the last couple of days. One now lives in Sweden, one in London, one just moved to Barcelona, and one is on her way to Paris. Added to this, I still have a couple of farewell parties to attend. Saying goodbye to people and seeing them make preparations and plans for their year abroad has made me think about my own up-coming exchange. In less than 4 months I’ll be the one saying goodbye and throwing a farewell party. How surreal is that?

Reunion August 5, 2007

A couple of weeks back I received an invitation to our senior high’s class reunion party. I hadn’t really put my mind into it before going there, and had no expectations about anything. Well, looking back at high school made me feel a bit hesitant about the whole ordeal, but I went there with an open mind to start with. It’s not like high school wasn’t fun, because it sure was. Or that I didn’t have the time of my life, because I sure did. It’s just that somehow four years ago I was a totally different person and I guess I was afraid that everything would be the same, that I would be the same old Matleena.

And how wrong I was! I ended up having so much fun, practically everyone was there, and it was so incredibly awesome catching up with people I hadn’t seen for years. It was nice noticing that people were so nice to each other and sincerely interested in everyone’s business. Even people that I hadn’t really even talked to that much in high school, were in a talkative mood.

Good memories from way back then came to my mind when everyone burst out singing those songs we used to perform back at school. It was like four years ago, but not at all like that. It was really weird and really cool simultaneously. Maybe people had changed or maybe it was just us being older and smarter, but I felt like all of those little itty-bitty irritating high school things were gone and forgotten and that people were just simply enjoying each other’s company for a change.

It was really nice to be reunited with these amazing people. I had forgotten what a great bunch we were! And although I ended up wasted, tired, and feverish, I truly enjoyed myself. And what could be a better way to end the night than to receive a sweet and friendly kiss from an old high school crush.