Flying out August 14, 2009

So this is it. The day that I fly out to Washington D.C! So surreal, so confusing, yet so exciting! In a few more hours I’ll be boarding a plane to NYC and after the journey over the Atlantic, I’ll switch planes in NYC and fly to D.C. I really don’t know what to expect from the city at all, or from anything else, but surely things will be okay. I’m glad that I have an old acquaintance to pick me up from the airport in D.C. so I don’t have to get lost in the public transportation with my luggage.

I can’t believe I have so much stuff with me. I thought that I’d manage with just one luggage, but apparently, I have way too many clothes I want to take with me so that I had to pack another suitcase as well. That’s quite okay, but I’m kinda already stressing out about the return back home…how on Earth am I going to fit everything back in just two suitcases??!? Impossible, it seems, but I do have three months to figure that out. Or maybe I’ll hire some of my friends who are coming over to take some of my stuff back home with them…

Anyways, all is finished here at the apartment. A little bit of vacuuming to be done and then I’m ready to go. And hereby I solemnly swear this is the last time I’ll be doing this packing and moving overseas! So stressful…

I wish everyone a great fall and I will miss each and every one of you tons! See you soon and stay in touch!

Here I come, D.C.!!!

Ends and Beginnings August 13, 2009

It has been a while since I took the time to write. I’ve thought about writing almost every day, but I’ve put it off for several reasons, one of which is that I haven’t really figured out what I have been feeling and going through. So I thought I’d save the writing for a time when I know how I feel. So what am I feeling right now? Sadness, fear, anxiety, excitement, happiness… I feel nauseous, nervous, unsure. And stressed out. And all of this due to a three-month trip to the U.S.

I’m leaving tomorrow…and that feels strange. I’ve left everything for the last moment and that’s probably why I’ve felt so stressed out and worried about everything today. I’ve cleaned up the apartment, had coffee with a friend, exchanged money, cleaned some more, sorted out what I need for this trip and done some last-minute shopping. I feel as if this internship and leaving for D.C. has been lurking somewhere for months and weeks and days and now it has suddenly surprised me with its appearance – as if, out of the blue, I realize I actually have to go now.

All in all, everything is still a mess, but I’ll get top of it sooner or later. As one would think that once you’ve experienced this before, leaving and going for someplace new would become easier, but no. It’s all the same. Even if it’s just for three short months, there are always goodbyes and farewells, the last morning coffees and chit-chats with the girls, the last bus trips to the city and back, and the last cuddles to be shared. It never becomes easier or more manageable, I say. But I guess you can get used to it, if you want to and choose so.

What I’ve totally missed out on this time around has been the joy and enjoyment of something new – I know I will be excited and happy once I get going in D.C. and once everything is new and exciting, but as for now, I’ve been too concentrated in all that I’m leaving behind. And really, that is stupid and unnecessary because nevertheless, come what may, all of these things that I leave behind will be here when I come back -my family and friends aren’t going anywhere.

I accidentally ran into an old co-worker a few days back. When she heard about my departure, she was extremely excited and happy for me: she congratulated me and repeated many times how privileged I was to be able to work for the Finnish Embassy in D.C. and how cool is was that I get to see the world again. Her words have been ringing in my head for the last few days and I realize that yes, this is something I need to go through with because it’s an incredible opportunity that not too many people in the world have a chance to experience. I’m pretty lucky, to say the least, and should feel happy and thankful about it all.

No more work at a coffee shop, no more lectures at Uni, no more cold fall weather… instead, a new job in a cool place, new things to do, new people to meet, a new city to discover and hot hot hot weather. Can’t complain! So here I come, U.S.A… be kind to a kind girl.

The Road Goes On… December 29, 2008

Wow. It’s been a while since the last post. Due to numerous reasons, I just haven’t had the urge to write down anything what-so-ever. Maybe it’s been the fact that I despise writing at the moment due to my gradu, or maybe I’ve been avoiding writing down my feelings, because I haven’t had the gut to confront those feelings and emotions just yet. The last couple of months have surely been a downhill-ride for me, but I’ve also learned a lot, and I’m not complaining. After all, aren’t those ups and downs exactly things that make life worth living? And if there weren’t any downs, there wouldn’t be any ups either.

Coming back from Toronto to Finland for the second time within a few months was rougher than I thought. But as I don’t like to mellow in depression or angst, I went on living the daily routines and felt good after such an awesome trip overseas. I still sometimes wish I was there instead of here, but I’ve accepted the fact that life is good as it is right now. There’s no need to make life more miserable by living in the past and wishing to be someplace else. Anyways, things don’t always go as one wishes, and as people have different kinds of expectations, wishes, and dreams, it’s hard to make them meet, at least when there’s an entire Ocean between you two. I’m moving on and the road leads me on to new adventures. If, at some point, I find myself reminiscing, I’m welcome to do so. And if, at some point, I find myself getting off at Crawford Avenue, it’s okay, too. But for now, things are better this way. My needs and hopes and dreams need to be fulfilled, and that won’t happen if I linger on too long.

Life teaches a hell of a lot and so it has within the last twelve months or so. I wouldn’t trade any second of it for anything, none of the ups or the downs. I appreciate everything life has given me and I’m ready and willing to get some more! So bring it on, life, because I’m willing to take the next step and follow where the road leads me this time around.

Gimme answers!! October 28, 2008

I’m a bit confused now that I’m back from an awesome 10-day trip to my beloved Toronto. The ten days there were just what I needed, but the trip just made me miss my life there even more. I already noted in the previous post that being back wasn’t all fun and games, though, because although most things were like they used to be, nothing really was the same because I didn’t have most of my people there anymore to share those things with. What a confusing sentence, but perhaps that takes you to the level of confusion I’m experiencing at the moment.

What I’m really searching for right now, are answers. And answers I need, because this is my life and I want to live it to its fullest, live it happy and content, not confused and dazzled.

Although I noted that being “on my own” in Toronto wasn’t that great, I also noted that just being in the city made me happy. That living there makes me sort of proud of who I am, where I am, what I am, and so on. It is as if the city makes me who I am, it brings the best out of me, even if sometimes I feel lonely. I also acknowledge the fact that I cannot build my life around one person, nor can I start my life anew in Toronto just because it feels right. I have to have really good reasons for relocating, if I decide to do that one day. So here I am, pondering the future, thinking what I really want in life, thinking what possibilities I have after graduating, thinking of things that ultimately make me happy.

In Finland I have my family and my friends -those people that no one can replace, people that mean the world to me, people who know me inside-out, people that I love so much. In Finland I have a beautiful apartment, familiar routines, a likeable job, good life, really.

In Canada I have Toronto. The streets and buildings and smells and sights that I love. I have Little Italy, the Annex, Chinatown, Little Portugal. In Toronto I have excitement, energy, freedom, inspiration, passion. I have that someone I can cuddle with, or fall asleep with while being held in his strong arms.

And that’s not all I have in those two places. The task seems impossible -how can I compare these two? Gimme answers, I need to know where to go from here. And while I write these words down, I miss Toronto and wish I was there right now.

A crisp autumn day October 5, 2008

Waking up to a beautiful sunlit morning with red and yellowish -coloured trees against the blue sky, I had to get out of bed immediately and head out. I’ve watched the beauty of this city pass by from the windows of several buses and sensed the feel of it when hurrying to class or work. I decided I wanted to really take in the amazing autumn weather and for once photograph those beautiful buildings I pass by every day. Walking through the Esplanade with its maple trees in rich colour, hopping from one stall to another at Kauppatori, high-heeling on the streets of Kruununhaka and trodding the Boulevard was all worth it. I got so much more out of all the sights than out of anything else in the last few days (except for the Sex and the City -girls’ nite at my place the other night!).

I feel at ease right now, I’m pretty much settled back into my life here in Finland. Nevertheless, I do miss Toronto every day, and regret not being there as well. Wouldn’t it be great if I could merge these two cities and all these people and create an alternate reality where they all existed at once?

The only thing, really, that I regret about this otherwise perfect crisp Sunday afternoon, is that I couldn’t share the beauty of it all with that special someone. I wish I had a chance to show him what I saw today. And I wouldn’t have minded walking hand-in-hand through Kauppatori, buying apples and other goodies to go, gallery-hopping together on the Boulevard, or making out underneath a most-beautifully coloured maple tree.

Back in the Game August 21, 2008

It’s almost the two month -mark since my return from Toronto, and things are finally starting to feel better. It’s as if I’m back in business, so to speak, or feeling much better at least. It is always a surprise how shocking it can be to return to your home country -and although I’ve experienced it before and recollect that it definitely was harder than adjusting to the new surroundings, it always hits you somewhat unguarded.

I’m not saying it’s all fun and games, but getting back to the routine of work and friends and all of that has made me so busy that I haven’t had too much time on my hands to miss Toronto or worry about things. I am trying to cope with the studies and finish my Master’s and then I’m free to do whatever I want. And for now, I cannot but be happy about my friends back here, the team we have at work, the last year of Uni, and all the moments I have in the small, but familiar Helsinki.

And what has definitely helped me along in the last few days was surfing in the internet and stumbling along cheap airfare to Toronto. I thought about it for a while, I thought of things that make me happy and my life easier -and so I went and got those tickets and I’m heading out for a 10-day visit in October! I couldn’t be happier! While I’m okay in Helsinki and starting to enjoy the gt’s here, I’m so looking forward to visiting my dear, dear Toronto! Seeing my city on TV today put a smile on my face. In eight more weeks I’ll be chillin’ in Little Italy, eating at Sushi Island, sipping Skinny Vanilla Bean Lattes, checking out the Sound of Music at the Princess of Wales Theatre, riding the subway to YorkU, shopping on Queen Street, and walking the streets of the Annex.

I wish it was October already.

Emptiness July 23, 2008

A month back in Helsinki, and I miss Toronto more and more every day. I’m happy that I’ve had the chance to catch up with all my great friends and spend some quality time with my people and my family. I’m thrilled about my little and adorable nephew, and I feel comfortable in my new, stylish apartment. Yet, somehow, I feel this emptiness inside of me all the time. I keep doing things and I also keep myself busy because that’s always been my way of dealing with things, but these feelings of slight depression, sadness or emptiness don’t seem to go away.

Don’t get me wrong, things are good in Finland, and looking at my life from the outside, I should feel grateful about all the things I have and about being back. Nevertheless, I feel that the only thing that would make me happy and my life worth living again, would be Toronto. I cannot say which things exactly or why exactly I would love to be there and not here right now, but that’s how it is.

I’m not saying I’m not giving Finland a chance because I’m trying. I’m trying to move on and think about all the good things here, and maybe in a few more months I’ll be as happy as I was in Toronto. But the thing is that if things don’t change, I’m willing to sacrifice many things, and move back to Toronto. It’s not happening right now, or even soon, but one day I’ll be going back for sure. I know it’s not the same, because not all my friends are there anymore, but I always have my love for the city and Toronto and I have it going good. I love it and it loves me. And if living over there is what really makes me happy in the end of the day, I will have to take that step and start my life anew.

I don’t know. Or maybe I’m just confused and experiencing culture shock. Maybe everything feels so empty and meaningless because I’m missing that someone and those moments we had together. In any case, I hope that I can start feeling happy again, because feeling indifferent and not really excited about anything is pretty boring, uneventful and hard. And I do have faith, because my life has been amazing and awesome year after year. I trust the fact that a change will come: either I will find happiness here, or then life will take me on a new path towards happiness somewhere else in the world.

Tears and rain, and sunshine, too July 6, 2008

The last week or so has been a haze: Toronto still feels too close and yet I’m fully engaged in my life here in Finland. Time has been running like mad, and so have I. A few days at my parent’s, the move in to my new crib, and then back to work. Everything is the same, but yet it isn’t. Because I’m not. I’m doing familiar things and working in a familiar environment, still nothing feels like it used to, it’s something inside that has changed, I think. It’s still hard to think of those good times and memories in Toronto because it was really just days ago that I saw some of those people, did some of those things or went to some of those places. I can pretend to be living this life here in Helsinki, but I’m still so living in Toronto and missing every little thing there.

Although I feel dead tired after 5 days of work (it was a pleasant surprise, though, to be back and realize I could easily find the routine and that I could still make damn good coffee ), I feel positive and happy that I’ve had things to do. Although my place is awesome and roomy, I don’t feel like sitting home by myself, because then I start to think of Toronto and the things I’m missing the most. But considering the fact that I’ve only been back for 10 days, I’m doing well. Culture-shock is definitely been shocking and maybe that’s why I’ve also felt so tired and sort of blah in the last few days. But on the other hand, I’ve been more than happy to see that there are many people that have missed me and have wanted to get together and see me asap. That, if something, has made me feel very happy and content although it doesn’t take away the sadness I’m still carrying around.

But the good thing about this all is that I now have a reason to be here and that’s why I intend to stay positive and start my life anew here in my new place: I need to finish my studies so that one day I can return to Toronto. I don’t know when, but I’ll tell you when I do.

First impressions June 26, 2008

License plates on cars look BIG. The toilet bowl looks different. Bottles look funny. It is so incredibly light outside I cannot sleep. My old stuff looks familiar and my old room comfy. Yet, I don’t seem to fit in myself. Maybe it’s the amount of luggage I have with me, maybe I just feel a bit out of place right now. 

New potatoes are tasty, water has no taste of chlorine, and my hair feels so soft after taking a long shower! 

The weirdest thing: everyone around me everywhere speak Finnish. Gotta get used to not hearing English spoken everywhere…

When nothing has changed June 26, 2008

…yet it feels like everything has changed. Arriving in Finland felt weird. At the same time, everything seems unchanged, all the people are here, the things look familiar, and even my room has all my stuff in it. On the other hand, I have changed and it feels unreal to be here instead of Toronto. I’m supposed to start living this life again, but I’m not sure if I want to. I know it’s just the first day here, and I’m still confused, jetlagged and a bit sad. I should give Finland a chance. I’m just missing Toronto and some people so much that it blocks me from experiencing the good things Finland has got in store for me.

Six months ago, I was trying to think up to this day and couldn’t wait to be here with my people, my work, my life etc. But now it all feels so uninspiring. Not that I don’t look forward to seeing my friends and family, I do and that’s the greatest part of being back. But at the same time, it feels as if I have to find another kind of path or insight for my life. Because the things that I am missing the most right now, I cannot have. I just have to learn to deal with it, and figure out other things that will make me happy again.