Sense and Sensibility December 29, 2008

After seeing “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” at the movies tonight, I began to think about what I want from life. The movie as such wasn’t the deepest or most touching movie out there, but it certainly made me think. After close inspection of two very different lifestyles, it became apparent to me that one is for me, one is not.

I’ve always thought I wanted stability, safety, routines and order in life. I guess that’s what a perfectionist like me somehow strives for in life, in some way or another. But after seeing that flick, I think I’d rather go for excitement, adventure, even uncertainty. I’m not saying I don’t wanna settle down, because that’s exactly what I want right now, but I feel that I need to be with someone who has that certain appeal to him -a tinge of excitement and mystery around him, maybe an artsy sort of guy with whom everyday is not only routines and another day, but with whom each and every day feels exciting.

Or maybe it’s that I’m after that sort of lifestyle at the moment. Maybe that’s why I enjoyed living in Toronto so much -because of the freedom, of the sort of “bohemian” style of living, because of the spontaneity of people that seized me as well. I do want stability and safety, but around it I need passion for life. Even fireworks at times.

Now I don’t want to seem light-minded, because that’s the last thing I am. But I guess I wish I could be more carefree at times and clutch at the uncertainties and adventures that I meet in life. I don’t want a life pre-planned, a “perfect” relationship or a mortgage to be paid, but rather a relationship that is fulfilling and meaningful, a life that offers new things, something worth living for.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but maybe you get the idea… it’s challenging to think what one wants.

The Road Goes On… December 29, 2008

Wow. It’s been a while since the last post. Due to numerous reasons, I just haven’t had the urge to write down anything what-so-ever. Maybe it’s been the fact that I despise writing at the moment due to my gradu, or maybe I’ve been avoiding writing down my feelings, because I haven’t had the gut to confront those feelings and emotions just yet. The last couple of months have surely been a downhill-ride for me, but I’ve also learned a lot, and I’m not complaining. After all, aren’t those ups and downs exactly things that make life worth living? And if there weren’t any downs, there wouldn’t be any ups either.

Coming back from Toronto to Finland for the second time within a few months was rougher than I thought. But as I don’t like to mellow in depression or angst, I went on living the daily routines and felt good after such an awesome trip overseas. I still sometimes wish I was there instead of here, but I’ve accepted the fact that life is good as it is right now. There’s no need to make life more miserable by living in the past and wishing to be someplace else. Anyways, things don’t always go as one wishes, and as people have different kinds of expectations, wishes, and dreams, it’s hard to make them meet, at least when there’s an entire Ocean between you two. I’m moving on and the road leads me on to new adventures. If, at some point, I find myself reminiscing, I’m welcome to do so. And if, at some point, I find myself getting off at Crawford Avenue, it’s okay, too. But for now, things are better this way. My needs and hopes and dreams need to be fulfilled, and that won’t happen if I linger on too long.

Life teaches a hell of a lot and so it has within the last twelve months or so. I wouldn’t trade any second of it for anything, none of the ups or the downs. I appreciate everything life has given me and I’m ready and willing to get some more! So bring it on, life, because I’m willing to take the next step and follow where the road leads me this time around.

Missing… October 29, 2008

The worst thing about coming back home after spending ten days and nights with that special someone is going to bed alone, and waking up, still alone. Somehow it feels incomprehensible, somewhat unfair. That less than two days ago I was still in his embrace, still close to him. And now he’s so so far away.

I’m trying to go on as usual, fill my days with things. But when night comes, I find myself sniffing the t-shirt I wore in bed, smelling the sweet scent of his from the fabric, wishing he was here instead of that t-shirt. I know I shouldn’t do that because it just makes me sadder, but I can’t stop, because it brings him that much closer to me. His smell reminds me of him and the good times we had together, yet, when I open my eyes, I’m alone and he’s not here. Unfair.

Gimme answers!! October 28, 2008

I’m a bit confused now that I’m back from an awesome 10-day trip to my beloved Toronto. The ten days there were just what I needed, but the trip just made me miss my life there even more. I already noted in the previous post that being back wasn’t all fun and games, though, because although most things were like they used to be, nothing really was the same because I didn’t have most of my people there anymore to share those things with. What a confusing sentence, but perhaps that takes you to the level of confusion I’m experiencing at the moment.

What I’m really searching for right now, are answers. And answers I need, because this is my life and I want to live it to its fullest, live it happy and content, not confused and dazzled.

Although I noted that being “on my own” in Toronto wasn’t that great, I also noted that just being in the city made me happy. That living there makes me sort of proud of who I am, where I am, what I am, and so on. It is as if the city makes me who I am, it brings the best out of me, even if sometimes I feel lonely. I also acknowledge the fact that I cannot build my life around one person, nor can I start my life anew in Toronto just because it feels right. I have to have really good reasons for relocating, if I decide to do that one day. So here I am, pondering the future, thinking what I really want in life, thinking what possibilities I have after graduating, thinking of things that ultimately make me happy.

In Finland I have my family and my friends -those people that no one can replace, people that mean the world to me, people who know me inside-out, people that I love so much. In Finland I have a beautiful apartment, familiar routines, a likeable job, good life, really.

In Canada I have Toronto. The streets and buildings and smells and sights that I love. I have Little Italy, the Annex, Chinatown, Little Portugal. In Toronto I have excitement, energy, freedom, inspiration, passion. I have that someone I can cuddle with, or fall asleep with while being held in his strong arms.

And that’s not all I have in those two places. The task seems impossible -how can I compare these two? Gimme answers, I need to know where to go from here. And while I write these words down, I miss Toronto and wish I was there right now.

Here I am June 24, 2008

The last 10 days went by so fast. I cannot believe it’s time for me to move on and leave Toronto. I know it’s not goodbye, since I will be coming back because I fell in love with this city and miss it and the people already, but it still feels tough to return to Finland.

After the heart-ripping goodbyes with that someone, I feel empty inside. It’s hard to think that my everyday life will be so different back “home”. I’m not saying it isn’t good, because it is, I’m just saying I’m going to miss this life I have here in Toronto.

The last 6 months have been the best and the most life-altering in my entire life. My heart is full of good memories and good times, things and people I will never forget. It’s always heard to leave, but this somehow feels so unfair -although I did know I would only be here for 6 months. I could easily just keep on living here, and hold on to the things I have here.

Luckily, I have a lot to look forward to back in Finland -the people, a new apartment, my studies. And luckily, I can return here whenever I want. Although I feel like there’s something missing from my life and my heart right now, I’m happy to know I can have all of this again. Nothing in this life is impossible, and that’s exactly what this exchange-experience has shown me.

“I’m like a bird…” May 23, 2008

“…I could fly away. I don’t know where my home is…”

Final countdown: 5 weeks left. And I want to stay. When a dear friend from Finland came over a week ago for the rest of the time, I was excited and pumped about her coming, and still am! At the same time, though, I realized my time here was coming to an end. Her coming remarked the end of Toronto-life as I used to know it: walking on the streets by myself, spending nights in Little Italy, taking the 196 to York U, staying in bed the whole day, or spending the entire day on skype with her, and other people… Not that I miss these things so much, but I understand now that this is the beginning of the end, kind of.

These last five weeks will be phenomenal, I’m sure, but different than the first 5 months. I catch myself thinking of “this might be the last time I do this” and “I wonder how many times I’ll see this person”. I’m not really thinking about Finland, even. I’m just not ready to leave yet. I kind of wish I could turn back time, or get an extension to my time here. I find myself trying to think of ways in which I could possibly stay for longer, or indefinitely. I know I can’t stay, but I know I can come back. I’m thinking of possible internships here, or I don’t even know. It’s just that I love this city, I love this life, and I wish this life could be REAL. Sometimes everything feels so unreal. Like I know I’m here and life is brilliant, but I want it to be MINE for keeps, you know?

Maybe I’m just a bit messed up? Or have mixed-up emotions or something. Who knows. I don’t really know where my home is, but I wish it was here, in TO, in the Annex, in the arms of that someone, in the warm, humid, summer nights of the beautiful multicultural metropolis.

When everything changes… April 11, 2008

What if I don’t wanna go home? Last night I got the first anxiety attack – it was the first time I actually thought about the consequences of having to return to Finland. And what triggered it all?Someone special saying something about an insignificant T-shirt that has come to mean something to me in the last few months. “You know you’re taking that with you when you go back home, right?” No. I didn’t know, nor did I want to think about going home and leaving all of this behind. In some ways it would be easier just staying here, but I do acknowledge the fact that I eventually have to return. It’s not that I don’t want to, don’t get me wrong: I do look forward to seeing all my dear friends and my family, but there are things here that I’d rather not leave behind.

Nevertheless, I have to keep on living in the present and not worry about the future right now. I still believe that no matter what, things will go the way they’re meant to, and that nothing but good will come out of all of this. And if there are people in my life that I cannot leave behind, then it’s that simple. Then I won’t leave them behind. After all, the world is a small place.

Oh, and by the way… September 7, 2007

..I met someone. He is adorable.

Me like!

Too early to say what may or may not come out of it all, but I honestly like him a lot. For the first time in such a long time, I feel little tingles inside my stomach when I think of him, or when I see him. He is a great guy and has lots of potential, he’s someone I’ve been looking for. Keeping my fingers crossed -I have a good feeling about this.

Could I finally have what I’ve always dreamed of?

Sense and sensibility August 21, 2007

In the last few weeks I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather. It seems that I have an inner struggle going on, a struggle between sense and sensibility. On one hand, I know what I have to do, what one is supposed to do according to common sense, but on the other I feel like my emotions are guiding me a bit too much.

What is one to do then? It is really hard to find a balance between the two -to figure out what is ultimately the best for yourself, to follow your sense, or your emotions.

There is this thing called the Enneagram. It is a personality type indicator, amazingly trustworthy and interesting. I’m a person who doesn’t really believe in any tests or so, but this one, I must admit, works. According to the Enneagram, people are categorized to nine different personality types, which then are divided to types that mainly follow either sense, emotions, or doing. I took the test a couple of years back and was typed no.1, the perfectionist. Now, some people might be surprised to hear me say I am a perfectionist, but that is quite true. It comes out differently in different people.

Anyways, according to the Enneagram, I am a sense -person. I intend to make my desicions based on sense, not sensibility. And I do have to admit I do that, although it’s always such a stuggle between sense and sensibility for me. I’m a very emotional person and that’s why it is so hard for me to make desicions based on sense, and not rely only on sensibility.

Whatever be the indicator’s pluses and minuses, I feel that the Enneagram has helped me on my way to self-discovery. It is quite incredible reading descriptions of a personality type, and “finding” yourself to be “just like this type”. It also helps one to understand why one acts this way or that, why something is so difficult to this type, and why one enjoys this, and why one doesn’t love that.

Despite the Enneagram, I still struggle with myself every day. The last few days have been a struggle, but I’ll get through it eventually. Or that’s at least what my common sense tells me to do…

Who am I? August 6, 2007

Like I’ve accounted here before, I think I’ve finally started to find the true me in the past year. I’ve become me and I feel there’s nothing really holding me back from being the person I truly am. It’s a great feeling, to feel like you know yourself, and to like the person you are. Still, I don’t feel completely satisfied with myself, or to put it better, I’m not self-confident or feel confident about who I really am.

I’ve always sort of felt like an underdog, if you know what I mean. I’ve never been the pretty, interesting, starry-eyed girl out of the group, the one that draws everyone’s attention, or the one that ends up with the best guys. I’ve never lived that kind of life, and I don’t want to live it now either. But I’m just wondering where all of this uncertainty comes from. I look at cute guys and I usually end up saying that “I would never ever have chances with a guy like that”. I feel like I’m totally out of their league, that I don’t deserve anyone that charming, or good-looking, or intelligent.

Even though this year I’ve been showered with attention and have experienced things I haven’t before, why don’t I believe in myself enough? Why do I still have the same old picture of myself tattooed in my mind, eating me up inside? Why don’t I believe that I’m worthy of a great guy, that I might have chances to hook up with someone I’ve always (only) dreamed of?

Like I said, I feel like I have never been one of the interesting girls -one of the girls that all the gorgeous and interesting guys end up with. My friend said an interesting thing to me today. She said that what if I’ve become one of those girls now. I laughed at her remark and changed the subject. But she might be right. I’m not saying I’ve suddenly become gorgeous and interesting myself, but I do think that since I’ve found the true me and have started to like myself, I might be sending out different, more self-confident signals about myself.

Then again, I don’t know. I guess I just need a bit more trust in myself, and maybe one day I’ll find my prince charming, too. It just makes me sad to notice that I don’t have that special one in my life, that cute, charming, and intelligent guy, who would shower me with affection and be there for me in the end of the day. I want that so bad, to fall asleep in someone’s arms, and wake up still in his arms, smelling the sweet scent of his skin, knowing that he’s not going anywhere.

Who am I? I guess I’m the girl I’ve always wanted to be, who still doesn’t believe she deserves more than she currently has. I guess I’m someone that has found herself, but someone that’s still on the path towards discovering something new, and ultimately, towards finding the love of her life.