The Road Goes On… December 29, 2008

Wow. It’s been a while since the last post. Due to numerous reasons, I just haven’t had the urge to write down anything what-so-ever. Maybe it’s been the fact that I despise writing at the moment due to my gradu, or maybe I’ve been avoiding writing down my feelings, because I haven’t had the gut to confront those feelings and emotions just yet. The last couple of months have surely been a downhill-ride for me, but I’ve also learned a lot, and I’m not complaining. After all, aren’t those ups and downs exactly things that make life worth living? And if there weren’t any downs, there wouldn’t be any ups either.

Coming back from Toronto to Finland for the second time within a few months was rougher than I thought. But as I don’t like to mellow in depression or angst, I went on living the daily routines and felt good after such an awesome trip overseas. I still sometimes wish I was there instead of here, but I’ve accepted the fact that life is good as it is right now. There’s no need to make life more miserable by living in the past and wishing to be someplace else. Anyways, things don’t always go as one wishes, and as people have different kinds of expectations, wishes, and dreams, it’s hard to make them meet, at least when there’s an entire Ocean between you two. I’m moving on and the road leads me on to new adventures. If, at some point, I find myself reminiscing, I’m welcome to do so. And if, at some point, I find myself getting off at Crawford Avenue, it’s okay, too. But for now, things are better this way. My needs and hopes and dreams need to be fulfilled, and that won’t happen if I linger on too long.

Life teaches a hell of a lot and so it has within the last twelve months or so. I wouldn’t trade any second of it for anything, none of the ups or the downs. I appreciate everything life has given me and I’m ready and willing to get some more! So bring it on, life, because I’m willing to take the next step and follow where the road leads me this time around.

Missing… October 29, 2008

The worst thing about coming back home after spending ten days and nights with that special someone is going to bed alone, and waking up, still alone. Somehow it feels incomprehensible, somewhat unfair. That less than two days ago I was still in his embrace, still close to him. And now he’s so so far away.

I’m trying to go on as usual, fill my days with things. But when night comes, I find myself sniffing the t-shirt I wore in bed, smelling the sweet scent of his from the fabric, wishing he was here instead of that t-shirt. I know I shouldn’t do that because it just makes me sadder, but I can’t stop, because it brings him that much closer to me. His smell reminds me of him and the good times we had together, yet, when I open my eyes, I’m alone and he’s not here. Unfair.

Gimme answers!! October 28, 2008

I’m a bit confused now that I’m back from an awesome 10-day trip to my beloved Toronto. The ten days there were just what I needed, but the trip just made me miss my life there even more. I already noted in the previous post that being back wasn’t all fun and games, though, because although most things were like they used to be, nothing really was the same because I didn’t have most of my people there anymore to share those things with. What a confusing sentence, but perhaps that takes you to the level of confusion I’m experiencing at the moment.

What I’m really searching for right now, are answers. And answers I need, because this is my life and I want to live it to its fullest, live it happy and content, not confused and dazzled.

Although I noted that being “on my own” in Toronto wasn’t that great, I also noted that just being in the city made me happy. That living there makes me sort of proud of who I am, where I am, what I am, and so on. It is as if the city makes me who I am, it brings the best out of me, even if sometimes I feel lonely. I also acknowledge the fact that I cannot build my life around one person, nor can I start my life anew in Toronto just because it feels right. I have to have really good reasons for relocating, if I decide to do that one day. So here I am, pondering the future, thinking what I really want in life, thinking what possibilities I have after graduating, thinking of things that ultimately make me happy.

In Finland I have my family and my friends -those people that no one can replace, people that mean the world to me, people who know me inside-out, people that I love so much. In Finland I have a beautiful apartment, familiar routines, a likeable job, good life, really.

In Canada I have Toronto. The streets and buildings and smells and sights that I love. I have Little Italy, the Annex, Chinatown, Little Portugal. In Toronto I have excitement, energy, freedom, inspiration, passion. I have that someone I can cuddle with, or fall asleep with while being held in his strong arms.

And that’s not all I have in those two places. The task seems impossible -how can I compare these two? Gimme answers, I need to know where to go from here. And while I write these words down, I miss Toronto and wish I was there right now.

T-Dot October 21, 2008

Leaving for Toronto this time felt way different than in last January. I felt like going home, not really worried or uncertain or surprised about anyting. Taking the Iceland Air flight first to Reykjavik and then to T.O. was interesting. It was a total surprise for me that Iceland, unlike Finland or Canada, wasn’t covered with trees! I couldn’t spot any trees whatsoever, but saw mountainous views and rugged colours. Landing at Toronto’s Lester Pearson at night time was a change: I never saw how humongous the city actually is, how far its lights and outskirts reach, how amazingly beautiful is looks from up above. The red sky and the sunset, the CN-tower and the skyscrapers, Yonge street – I was able to see it all from the plane.

Now that I’m back here, it really feels like I haven’t left at all. Everything is the same, all the familiar sights, the sounds, the smells, the people. It was a good way to come back, for sure. Sitting on the subway from the airport and walking the streets of Little Italy felt comforting -and then I saw that Duffy was playing on the corner of my street that night! That just reminded me of the vivacity of the city. There’s always something going on, want it or not.

My weekend has been full of culture and vegan food. Hurray for that. Don Giovanni at the Opera House was impressive, dinner at a small vegan restaurant was WOW. I’ve been eating mostly vegan stuff (except for the beef patty at Kensington…), and I’m telling you – if being a vegan would be this cheap and this easy and this fabulous in Finland, I might consider becoming one. But since it isn’t, I won’t consider it. It just amazes me how much choice they have here, how well the vegans are taken care of in terms of food at restaurants, and how many totally vegan cafes, stores, or restaurants they have over here. Sunday was a perfect day: brunch at Ossington, gallery-hopping and walking in the perfect autumn weather with that special someone. We saw hunderds of Zombies (yes!!) downtown, something I’ve never experienced before! Apparently, there was a some sort of zombie walk going on… I dunno…

Being back in T.O. has been refreshing. Yet, I do acknowledge the fact that without the social web and those people I had here, it’s not the same. Although I love spending time with the man, I feel totally stranded when he’s working or someplace else. If I lived here again, I would have to build a new social environment for myself, because it isn’t healthy to be tied to just one person, is it? But all in all, I’m happy I came here. And thankfully, it’s only Tuesday. I still have a good many days to go, and hopefully a good many memories to come.

4 months ago – 4 days to go… October 14, 2008

I cannot believe how fast time has gone -once again. It has been almost four months since I started my journey back to Finland. It’s been ups and downs, for sure, but I have fully started my life anew here in Helsinki. Although it has been four full months, it surely doesn’t feel that long. I find myself thinking about Toronto and all the things there every day. And now it’s less than 4 days away again – I can’t wait to fly back and see and feel what it’s like to be there again.

I feel anxious, nervous, happy, giddy, fearful, excited, hesitant -all the feelings one can think of. It’s definitely going to be a rollercoaster ride once again, but I’m willing to take it. I can’t believe that in a few days from now, I will be walking the dear streets of the Annex, walking hand-in-hand with that special someone, and immersing myself in the familiar and oh-so-lovely T.O. life for 10 whole days!

Oh I wish I was there already! And thinking about it, I surely didn’t see myself flying over in October when I started my exchange journey in January. That’s the thing about life, you never know what to expect -it’s a rollercoaster ride worth enjoying.

Back in the Game August 21, 2008

It’s almost the two month -mark since my return from Toronto, and things are finally starting to feel better. It’s as if I’m back in business, so to speak, or feeling much better at least. It is always a surprise how shocking it can be to return to your home country -and although I’ve experienced it before and recollect that it definitely was harder than adjusting to the new surroundings, it always hits you somewhat unguarded.

I’m not saying it’s all fun and games, but getting back to the routine of work and friends and all of that has made me so busy that I haven’t had too much time on my hands to miss Toronto or worry about things. I am trying to cope with the studies and finish my Master’s and then I’m free to do whatever I want. And for now, I cannot but be happy about my friends back here, the team we have at work, the last year of Uni, and all the moments I have in the small, but familiar Helsinki.

And what has definitely helped me along in the last few days was surfing in the internet and stumbling along cheap airfare to Toronto. I thought about it for a while, I thought of things that make me happy and my life easier -and so I went and got those tickets and I’m heading out for a 10-day visit in October! I couldn’t be happier! While I’m okay in Helsinki and starting to enjoy the gt’s here, I’m so looking forward to visiting my dear, dear Toronto! Seeing my city on TV today put a smile on my face. In eight more weeks I’ll be chillin’ in Little Italy, eating at Sushi Island, sipping Skinny Vanilla Bean Lattes, checking out the Sound of Music at the Princess of Wales Theatre, riding the subway to YorkU, shopping on Queen Street, and walking the streets of the Annex.

I wish it was October already.

When nothing has changed June 26, 2008

…yet it feels like everything has changed. Arriving in Finland felt weird. At the same time, everything seems unchanged, all the people are here, the things look familiar, and even my room has all my stuff in it. On the other hand, I have changed and it feels unreal to be here instead of Toronto. I’m supposed to start living this life again, but I’m not sure if I want to. I know it’s just the first day here, and I’m still confused, jetlagged and a bit sad. I should give Finland a chance. I’m just missing Toronto and some people so much that it blocks me from experiencing the good things Finland has got in store for me.

Six months ago, I was trying to think up to this day and couldn’t wait to be here with my people, my work, my life etc. But now it all feels so uninspiring. Not that I don’t look forward to seeing my friends and family, I do and that’s the greatest part of being back. But at the same time, it feels as if I have to find another kind of path or insight for my life. Because the things that I am missing the most right now, I cannot have. I just have to learn to deal with it, and figure out other things that will make me happy again.

Here I am June 24, 2008

The last 10 days went by so fast. I cannot believe it’s time for me to move on and leave Toronto. I know it’s not goodbye, since I will be coming back because I fell in love with this city and miss it and the people already, but it still feels tough to return to Finland.

After the heart-ripping goodbyes with that someone, I feel empty inside. It’s hard to think that my everyday life will be so different back “home”. I’m not saying it isn’t good, because it is, I’m just saying I’m going to miss this life I have here in Toronto.

The last 6 months have been the best and the most life-altering in my entire life. My heart is full of good memories and good times, things and people I will never forget. It’s always heard to leave, but this somehow feels so unfair -although I did know I would only be here for 6 months. I could easily just keep on living here, and hold on to the things I have here.

Luckily, I have a lot to look forward to back in Finland -the people, a new apartment, my studies. And luckily, I can return here whenever I want. Although I feel like there’s something missing from my life and my heart right now, I’m happy to know I can have all of this again. Nothing in this life is impossible, and that’s exactly what this exchange-experience has shown me.

The road goes on and on… June 14, 2008

The trip, which started as a dream over a year ago, is almost done. We have driven 2500 kilometres in the beautiful continent of Canada, taken buses from one place to the other, trusted way too much on googlemaps, and eaten many a delicious dish throughout the continent.

The day spent in Cavendish, P.E.I was simply amazing. The views were gorgeous and it was awesome to visit the “Canadian East-coast cult”, Green Gables, a.k.a the home of Anne, the heroine of the Montgomery book. The beaches in Cavendish were definitely postcard -material: sand dunes, red sand, beautiful cliffs and the deep blue sea, i.e. the Atlantic Ocean. Dipping my toes in the ice-cold ocean and walking barefeet on the hot red beach was one of those moments I’ll treasure for the rest of my life.

One thing I’ve also learned to love during our roadtrip is cruise control. Driving 700 kilometres a day doesn’t feel that bad when the only thing you’re doing is steering the car. I’m very proud of our endevours, and the fact that we chose to do this trip. Now that we’re back in hot Montréal and closer to “home”, if feels a bit odd not being on the road. I don’t really feel sad, but I could continue travelling for another two weeks for sure. But I do look forward to getting back to TO, the love of my life. Spending the last 10 days of this 6-month-long trip in the city makes me so, so happy. Although Finland is less than two weeks away, I still have many things ahead of me here. And I intend to make the most out of those days, things, and moments.

Many memories to treasure for the rest of my life.

Following Ann of Green Gables… June 11, 2008

As much as I enjoyed vacationing in the French-speaking Canada, it was a pleasant feeling to cross the Québec border to New Brunswick, where everything was in English, and people knew how to speak the language… Driving from Québec to Fredericton, the capital of New Brunswick, was rather pleasant. The 700 kilometre drive went pretty fast and I made myself very proud driving over 200 kilometres on the Trans-Canada highway! The views in those parts of the two provinces were incredibly beautiful: apparently the appalachian mountains reach all the way to Québec, and I was amazed at the hilly, green, mountainous views while driving.

Fredericton itself was not really worth seeing: the capital city only has a population of about 45,000 people. After a night well-spent in a private room for only 20 bucks each (!!!) we started to journey over to the land of Anne of Green Gables, Prince Edward Island. The 300 kilometres went fast, and it was pretty amazing to cross the 12-kilometre long Confederation bridge over the Northumberland Strait (Atlantic Ocean!!) from New Brunswick to the Island. Charlottetown seems pretty and green, and the dirt here on the Island is bright red, which, for some reason, intrigues me a lot.

Oh, and apparently the Islanders do know how to make money: Ann of Green Gables is everywhere -in chocolates, soft drinks, musicals, little stores, postcards… and apparently the advertising worked for us, too. Tomorrow we’re heading to Cavendish, the home of Anne of Green Gables…