Treasured Moments

Nesting.

matleena — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 09:45:52 +0000

I’ve never been a fan of winter or snow, at least not in the last few years or so. I tend to enjoy the sunshine and the light summer breeze on my skin more than the bitter cold winter weather that ensures that walking to the closest bus stop can be rather painful and eventful. Besides the fact that it’s cold, Helsinki hasn’t had this much snow since 1915! Every commute to work or home feels like a struggle, when everyone is fighting their way through the heaps and heaps of snow. A big dislike, if I may.

Nevertheless, I’ve found myself nesting while all of this has been happening outside my home. It’s felt good digging out the Christmas lights, baking gingerbread cookies and listening to familiar X-mas tunes. I’ve burnt loads of candles, wrapped up gifts and cuddled up in warm blankets. I don’t know if it is because I’m in a rather stable place in my life right now, but I’ve felt really calm this time preparing for Christmas. Although I sometimes feel stressed about the amount of things I have planned to do and the amount of people I have planned to see before Christmas, weekends and weeknights have been sort of weirdly calm and relaxing. A glass of red wine here and there, kisses and hugs, good moments at the sofa. The apartment feels more and more like home, perhaps due to the fact that it’s our first Christmas there.

It’s a weird sensation I’ve been having lately, that has, perhaps, something to do with the calmness and the peacefulness I’ve felt: just the sight of his face, the big and safe arms around me, the smily eyes, the love. That’s the best Christmas gift right there.

Many “I do’s”

matleena — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 09:58:35 +0000

Just by looking at the changing relationship statuses or the new last names of my Facebook friends, I’ve come to realize that I have reached “the age”. I’ve always thought of myself as relatively young and have not really concerned myself with “serious” things, such as buying a house, getting married or having children. Meanwhile it seems that other people my age have thought about these things to the extent that they have gone and bought a house, they have been proposed to, and have gotten married, some are even planning on having kids. Before, I’ve just shrugged off the thoughts and wondered why so many people are, for example, getting married at such a young age. Well, after seeing so many friends tie the knot this past summer, I feel like I can’t blame it on the age anymore since it’s becoming such a big phenomenon amongst my peers. It seems that I’ve reached “the age” – where people seem to settle down. For good.

I guess it is no wonder that I’ve only slowly adjusted to the thought of creating that “safe and sound” future, since in the last few years I’ve lived abroad twice, I’ve been in a relationship for only (already?) two years and only recently (well, almost a year ago) moved in with my man and graduated from uni as well as started working full-time. I guess I view my time span differently than some, and want to, in a relatively timely and organized manner take steps towards these “serious” things. It’s only dawned to me that these things can be, rather seriously, pondered. And when they are, they don’t, actually, feel that distant or strange anymore. In reality, they are slowly starting to have an appeal – in the sense that I’m starting to be ready to take one step at a time, if I’m offered that possibility. I feel that now that I have introduced these “serious” issues into my thoughts, they will, most definitely be anticipated when and if they ever decide to ask permission to enter my life.

It is one of those realizations, where you finally see beginnings and endings, and not just beginnings. And that feels comforting. I am in a good place, really. I’ve got the man of my dreams, we are happy together and everyday life feels good. We share a nice little apartment and both work full-time. As far as anything is concerned, nothing ties us to these jobs, or to the apartment. We are in the place where we can still go this way or that, build our life anew, together.

All light-heartedness aside, we are in the process of buying a car. Call it serious or something.

Learning to be

matleena — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 12:04:03 +0000

I am used to being the one who leaves – moves abroad, goes for trips, says goodbye – and then comes back. Although I admit that I am used to people coming and going due to my friends being so international, I am not used to being left home alone while my hub is somewhere far far away. Thank goodness it’s just three weeks (one of which has already gone by!), but still I feel weird. It is definitely harder to stay home than to go to a new place where you are swept away with the amazingness and newness of everything unfamiliar. But staying home and sticking to the routines without your companion feels incredibly odd. When I come home from work, bursting of things to talk about, I find an empty house waiting for me. When I wake up, there is no grumpy man next to me, and when I fall asleep, there is no one that whispers “Good night” in my ear.

It is crazy how things can change so quickly sometimes. A year ago, I couldn’t see myself living the life that I am living right now. I am happier than ever, and wouldn’t want to change a thing. Six months after moving together, I have become accustomed to sharing the home with my special someone – and although I lived in that place on my own before, it feels empty now that he’s not there. I miss the morning alarm snoozes, the wet bathroom after he has taken a shower, even the dishes on the floor next to the couch and the neoprene smell coming off his diving gear. In just six months I have learned to love all of these things, and now that he’s not here, I realize how much I miss him.

I can’t wait for these next two weeks to go by and the man to return, however, I am glad that I have this time to myself – it is never a bad thing teaching oneself to be on one’s own. Although I am committed to this relationship and this person, I feel that it is crucial for one to be able to be alone as well, to embrace oneself, to enjoy those alone-moments when one can. And when it is reunion time, it will be worth the wait.

No escape

matleena — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 14:26:07 +0000

Life, as I used to know it – studying for exams, writing essays, working evenings and weekends, going to student parties and meetings – is over. Period. No more deadlines or worrying about grades, no more student discounts or “free” money from the government. The courses have been passed, the grades given, the essays handed in, and the money well spent. As I finished my few-month-long job at a local high school and finally officially graduated from uni and got the MA degree, I’m sort of at a crossroads. I could go this way or that. No more am I too worried about short days and loads of responsibilities, or working life as such. I’m mostly worried about finding a good job, or, not being employed and being unemployed. I’ve sent out tens of application letters and cvs to numerous places, but I am getting a little discouraged after receiving no interviews. What I’m mostly worried about is that I won’t find anything, I’ll find myself unemployed, bored, broke and unsatisfied.

As this blog demonstrates, I’ve always been lucky in terms of getting what and where I want. I’ve been on exchange, I’ve done an internship in a respected place, I’ve graduated, studied my dream field and found the perfect man for me. Things have always fallen into their place and I strongly feel that I’ve been guided into the right direction. I still believe things will work out and that I will eventually find a (dream) job, but for now, I can’t shake off the insecurity within me. The reality is different than before, because there is no back-up plan, no more possibilities to take on more student loan or get money elsewhere – it is a reality in which I have to find a job or else I can’t pay the rent or pay the bills… and that’s kinda scary.

I wish that my search for the job will eventually go as smoothly as everything else has – that when I least expect it, I will be pleasantly surprised. Keeping my fingers crossed – would appreciate it if you kept yours crossed for me, too.

Major changes.

matleena — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 11:56:08 +0000

It has been days, months, maybe even years that I have anticipated some major changes in my life. Finally, I have received a grade for my Master’s Thesis and I’m done with uni for good. On another front, I have started working like normal people do. At home, I have laundry times two, new electronic appliances, and in my mailbox, there are two last names.

A year ago, I never ever thought that life would be this way. Somehow everything has fallen into its place, yet everything feels so adult-like, or rather, mature. As there is no more of that carefree university life, reality is starting to set in. I’m very happy, living with that someone is perfect and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. However, all of these major changes at the same time have made me think about the future in a way different than before.

Although I’m just doing this job for the next few months, I’m slowly starting to realize that this is pretty much it – for the rest of my life, I will be working. And that scares the heck out of me. I have looked forward to finishing uni and moving on to “real life” and getting myself in the work market, but now that I’m finally there, it would feel more comfortable, easier, and more appealing to continue as a student. Although I was so done with research and all the deadlines and not having enough money, I already miss the freedom that goes hand in hand with studying at uni. Now, life is starting to be full of responsibilities in a different way. There is no homework, thank God for that, but there are other things that are always there on your mind from day to day – work is starting to be everything, and suddenly there is little room for anything else. Days are shorter, the sofa feels like the best place ever, and the weekends couldn’t feel better.

What I’m wondering is that how and if I will ever be able to do this from year to year, maybe for the next 40 years or so. Waking up every morning to have the day repeat itself, living for the weekends and looking forward to the holidays and days off. It feels so boring. Is this where I’ve aimed at my entire life? Done well in school, studied abroad and at uni to get a better job? And then, at the end, I find myself scared and bored shitless after just a week at work.

Underneath it all

matleena — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 16:40:10 +0000

I have the best boyfriend!

I am home, in a place where I belong

matleena — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 12:08:43 +0000

After a three-month trip to Washington D.C., I have settled back into my good daily routines back home in Helsinki. The trip was worth every minute – I learned so much about myself and I would do it again if I was given the opportunity. However, it has been easy to adjust back into my life here in Finland. Maybe it is due to the fact that I never really felt like I belonged in D.C. in the first place, or maybe it’s just that my people here have eased the process of returning by being there for me throughout this all! This time around, I haven’t experienced culture shock and I’ve been extremely happy since my return.

Even the cold and gloomy weather hasn’t bothered me that much because I’ve had so much fun seeing my family, hanging out with friends and settling back into my cozy apartment. Home has never felt better. I enjoy my privacy after all and knowing that if something gets displaced or lost it can only be my own fault. Although I am finishing up my gradu, graduating and trying to find a job simultaneously, I feel good about it all.

Things have fallen into their places and for the first time in my life, I feel confident, trustful, calm and happy at the same time. Major changes have taken place and are taking place in my life, but they are all for the better. They are things that I have anticipated for years, and now that they’re finally happening, I feel surprisingly calm and cool. Everything has happened in such a short time and sometimes it makes me wonder if this is really true. But every morning I wake up happy and remember that yes, it’s really happening!

So, it’s good to be home. And soon, it will be not just my home…

Homebound

matleena — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 03:11:55 +0000

Three months of D.C. and American life packed into two big suitcases (plus a third one sent to Finland last week…), some last-minute shopping and I am ready to board the plane. I am stressing out about stuff, but otherwise I’m good. As I mentioned before, this change feels different than before. It is not that I won’t miss D.C., for sure I will miss certain things about the city and my life here. But this brief visit here did not make me belong here in the same way than my six-month stay in T.O did. But not to forget, I will miss my people here. Thank goodness most of them will come back to Finland within the next 8 months or so! So tomorrow morning, breakfast at Bruegger’s will definitely be emotional. However, boarding that plane from NYC to Helsinki will feel good.

Good to be homebound again.

Getting ready to let go.

matleena — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 01:40:44 +0000

The last 4 days of my three-month stay here in D.C. are at hand and I’m getting ready to go back home. This time around, I feel different, though. When I was getting ready to leave T.O. after my exchange, I felt sad, unhappy, and wasn’t ready to go back at all. Now, I feel excited to return. I’m not looking forward to the snow, the darkness, the coldness or some other stuff (like finishing up my gradu…), but I am excited to return to my own home! I have longed for my own space and my privacy after sharing a bedroom with two other people…and getting back to the routine of my Helsinki-life. I have good things waiting for me there – my family, my sweet nephew, my friends, and I can’t wait to catch up with everyone there!

The last three months here have been awesome, don’t get me wrong. I have met amazing people, seen and experienced incredible things, been inspired, gotten to know the Foreign Ministry and what it’s like working for a Finnish Embassy abroad. So it’s all been good – I’ve, once again, learned about myself and life in general, grown a little bit and gotten some perspective for my life looking at it from afar. And I’m happy and ecstatic about everything that has taken place here in D.C. I’ve been incredibly lucky to have experienced all of this and to have been able to live in the capital of the world!

Nothing makes one appreciate certain things more than living abroad in different circumstances and in a foreign culture. I cherish the fact that in Finland it is so easy to take care of all kinds of things – as here in the States even the simplest things can drive one crazy because they are so difficult to handle! It is pretty unbelievable, but very true. So I will try not to complain about stuff when I get back to Finland, because things work there very very well compared to this country…

I’m forever thankful for everything that I’ve had a chance to do while here in the States… I’ve been to the beach, 3 times to NYC, seen the monuments and museums in D.C., gone shopping and partying, seen a few musicals, gone to theatre, made good friends, learned pilates, gone kayaking, visited the White House, went to an NHL game, visited an amusement park, worked at the Embassy, co-curated, planned and executed an exhibition… and numerous things on top of that. Most importantly, I’ve had the chance to share this experience with three important people from back home and that makes it all even more special.

Now that everything is drawing to an end here in D.C., I feel thankful, but ready to let go. I’ve had enough of living abroad on my own for a little while and I can’t wait to return to where I belong right now – in Helsinki with my dear, dear peeps.

It’s going to be strange being there again in a few days… see you soon!

Come rain or come shine

matleena — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:58:21 +0000

The D.C. weather is a topic worth discussing. It is always on the lips of someone, and there is always something to be said about how it is outside. When I arrived here in August, the weather was sizzling hot, a bit too hot to be exact. As the temperature climbed close to 40 degrees celcius and as the humidity was closer to a 100 percent, you can imagine that it didn’t feel that comfortable at the moment. After the really high temps, it cooled down a bit to comfortable 30 degrees, and for the first two months the weather has really been wonderful. Never before in my life have I had the chance to wear summer gear for more than 5 months in a row, and it seems that my summer has been just going on for months and months! I don’t think I’ve ever been so tanned in my life before..although I know it is not visible to anyone else’s eyes. However, I’ve gotten so used to the hot temperatures that when a few weeks back the weather cooled down to 20-25, it felt cold.

I guess my body has gotten so used to these hot and warm and wonderful temperatures that I cannot deal with the cold temps anymore. This morning, it was a freezing 10 degrees outside and it felt like my fingers would come off. But, without a doubt, I’ll get used to it if it stays like this. But the problem with D.C. weather is that it keeps changing…and changing. On Friday, it was +29, yesterday +25, and now…+12. It is also incredibly hard to dress when you go outside, because you never know what the weather will be like in a few hours. The mornings are cold, the day might be hot, and at night time, it cools down again.

I guess one could call that exciting. And I’m not complaining at all…walking with flip-flops or ballerinas in October suits me better than well! It’s just the November weather in Finland I’m not looking forward to…